While the grisly tabloid media gathers ’round various messy starlets and holds a daily death watch on them, I’m accentuating the positive and instituting a Britney LIFE watch because that’s the kind of optimistic rim queen I am! I’m going to dig into my trash pail and scour the news on a regular basis to search for signs that my toxic little lady will continue to live and breathe, and I’m sorry if that offends the buzzards a little. So Britney missed her child custody hearing the other day? Well, that’s proof that she’s actually living and thinking things through and making significant choices, even if they’re totally the wrong ones! A real death zombie would have shown up! So she was waltzing naked around a boutique and doing loud things with her latest boyfriend in the dressing room? Again, that’s a sign that she’s not only fully ambulatory, but that her mouth AND vagina are all revved up and working—and the “fuck you” she gave an employee on leaving shows that her intellectual level hasn’t gone down a smidge! All signs look good for my Britney. It’s been 26 whole years and damned if she ain’t still alive!