What are you hungry for, kids? A healthy serving of blind items with a drizzle of bilberry syrup and a side order of brown couscous? You want a heaping plate of those unnervingly suggestive tidbits about various notables’ unscrupulous doings, whereby I leave out the names so you’re left to skank around every Internet watercooler there is and frantically try to dredge up the answers? OK, darlings, I’ll let the anonymous good times rip just to give you some electrifying bonding time with your equally sleaze-minded cohorts. But since so many of you bother me like the dickens for the answers to Page Six’s blindies all the time, why don’t you just fucking call them for mine. Here goes:
Who once generously gave a gentleman something during a charity event for an organization in his late mother’s name? (What he gave, actually, was a blowjob in the bathroom. Ma would have been so proud.) What couple almost split up during the making of that movie because she was on fire with jealousy that he got to show his actual talent? (No worries. It totally bombed.) What fabulous trannie swears she cut it off, but it’s still there, dangling between her legs like a pendulum? Which young Broadway leading lady has for several years fallen in love with every guy who plays opposite her, even though—or maybe because—it’s always a gay? Which top anchor is a bottom? Which pop star is a top? (Or so goes the legend; actually, he and one of his hot boyfriends switched positions and loved it.) Which same star did it with that married but gay male socialite? Which female politician once slept with a rabbi’s sister, according to an American Idol personality who’s a friend of the rabbi? Which top fashion writer disdainfully refers to a colleague of his as “Cavewoman”? What publicist introduced someone around as a boyfriend, only to have that someone lean into the ear of one of the people he’d met and mutter: “This guy is the foulest, most name-dropping asshole alive!” Any arguments?
What male comeback star (in movies and mostly TV) is known as a completely cold, unpleasant fish to work with, though he can certainly turn on the charm when he needs to? Which charismatic pit bull is described by some who’ve worked with her as a monster off-camera as well, someone who took her assigned role a little too seriously and became quite power-mad in the head? What lovable showbiz relic is so needy that if you show her a little kindness, she’ll start calling you at two in the morning for lengthy chats every night for months? What much younger songstress has very little actual chemistry with the husband, probably because she’s a big old lesbo? What drag queen with a record (meaning criminal, not long-playing) was spotted at a magazine bash, shoveling crudités into her bag and explaining, “A girl’s gotta eat!”? Yeah, but that much? What transforming young movie star already seemed problematic last year when, in the middle of a press junket, he would snap at underlings, “Where’s my cigarette?” then would rudely bolt for a puffing break when he got one?
Which pasty-white club mess (with his friends) blithely walked out on a check at Beige (after insanely trying to get me to pay it) and was thrown out of Hiro for choking his boyfriend, the same week he was featured in New York magazine’s Look Book? What same guy became the subject of restraining tactics by a stylist when he kept using the stylist’s name to get free clothes long after he ceased working for him? (Oh, did I mention he’s also a thief?) Which modeling dynasty scion left her dog at a spa and never bothered to pick it up? (They didn’t really mind. She paid for it to be there.) Which reality star can be seen being fisted by an admirer in a kooky video that’s making the underground rounds? Should we give him a hand? Which movie star who seems so brooding and enigmatic actually doesn’t speak much because he doesn’t have much to say, swears an insider? What model he was once aligned with also maintains much glamour and mystery by keeping her dumb trap shut (except to open it for drugs)?
Which legendary black singer was spotted at a store, where she was screaming into her cell phone, “Doesn’t anyone read in your office? Don’t you understand English? I told you to arrange that flight!”? Was it perhaps a flight on a broomstick? Which beloved Broadway diva was supposedly the girlfriend of grande dame Judith Anderson all those diva years ago? What ex-Times critic looks back on his gig there as a poisonous time filled with backstabbing and one-upmanship? How can I get a job there? What comic in his sixties concerned onlookers when his speech at a roast last year was punctuated with loud snorts and grandiose nose-wiping? Which black funny lady admits she can’t even hit the stage without being tanked, skanked, and totally blotto? Which porn star has no detectable accent when he answers his cell phone, but then seems to remember to lay one on once he realizes who you are? Which ’70s star ingeniously turned a recent memorial service into a giant photo op for himself? Which swiveling tartlet’s people brutally Tasered a young fan who simply wanted to tell her he loves her? At this point, shouldn’t they Taser all the people who don’t care? What female politico’s daughter looked so bulimic at her wedding that friends considered staging an intervention? What cute, young guy, who’s Hollywood royalty, recently had a heartwarming experience peeing into a trannie’s anus, only to have all kinds of shit shoot out? Jealous?
Which seemingly passive half of that design duo can actually be a tempestuous spitfire? (He threw a drink at a Barracuda patron, whose friend chased him out the door, hoping for a showdown.) Which club regular is rumored to dabble in dominatrix work and is so successful at it that she got $1,100 from a guy just to shave one armpit? Shouldn’t there be some kind of buy-one-get-one-free deal? What African-American young man who works for a repetitively named design firm (or says he does) trolls around gay parlors trying to drum up some johns? Which CBS personality sits in his car telling passersby that he’s doing so to watch Katie Couric on the news, but it’s actually to stall until 7 p.m., when his parking there can become legal? Which portrait artist’s dog sadly spent two days in the hospital after ingesting cocaine (someone else’s, mind you)? Are any of you miscreants muttering, “What a waste of good cocaine”?
Which exotic, young hotshot designer has been supposedly doing it with that black rapper with many children? Which cute-as-a-button Broadway performer who’s gone from leads to supporting roles is actually straight? (No, I’m serious. There’s one Broadway male who really is a hetero, and this guy is it.) Which other always-working Broadway type continually talks about a hot girlfriend who never materializes, for obvious reasons? Which good-looking writer of exposé books has a sexually adventurous side himself? Which hotel just underwent some firings because staffers admitted a 16-year-old model to the in-house club and she ended up so intoxicated she capped off her night reclining in an ambulance?
And moving on to names: Can any of you tell Rachel McAdams from Amy Adams? Did all the freaks complaining about Amy Winehouse winning awards for bad behavior wonder why they were cheering back when Eminem was honored for musical fag-bashing? Did it ever occur to you that maybe The Little Mermaid is trying to show how tacky things are underwater? Do you ever feel as if Katie Holmes‘s life has become an amalgam of two Ira Levin novels (The Stepford Wives and Rosemary’s Baby)? Did it ever cross your mind that Britney Spears has seven personalities and none of them can sing live? I’ll hush now.