How To Become a Nightclub Star!


Bouncers are mere toys

Or at least how to get in! First off, pay no attention to the losers lining up outside. They’re just misbegotten window dressing and joining them would not further your cause at all. Brush right past them and barrel up to the doorperson to blithely announce, “I’m on John’s list!” Chances are there’s a John that’s promoting there, and even if there isn’t, if you say it with enough swagger, the doorperson will assume there is. They’ll inevitably flutter through a stack of clipboard pages and, unable to find your name, they’ll decide it’s in there somewhere. You’ve made it—now track down the person with the free drink tickets and tell them you love their outfit. Oh, speaking of outfits, wear your absolutely shittiest coat. This way you can just drape it on a banquette rather than check it (thereby saving three bucks), and if by some chance it gets stolen, you won’t care that much. Better yet, flirt with the DJ—no doubt named John—and he’ll let you leave it in his booth. One last tip: Before picking someone up, be sure to drag them to the bathroom—yes, the john—to see what they look like in the light. Otherwise, you’ll be very sorry in the morning. If it’s already the morning, please go home alone and on the way, kindly blow the cab driver to save 10 more bucks. And now you’re all set, gorgeous. You’re a nightclub star!