Why won’t Mexicans vote for a black man? —Hillary Hater
Dear Readers: Dozens of ustedes have sent the above question since the Iowa caucuses, forwarded mainstream-media reports on this supposed phenomenon, and cringed with me when pundits took as gospel Hillary Clinton pollster Sergio Bendixen’s assertion to The New Yorker that “The Hispanic voter—and I want to say this very carefully—has not shown a lot of willingness or affinity to support black candidates.” So, to all parties who buy into the hype: callensen el osico. Shut up. Stop with the racial pendejadas, and go tell your pols that sharing tacos with Mexicans for the news cameras is one step removed from blackface. The negrito-hating-Mexican-voter meme floating around America these days is the biggest ball of political mierda since Tom Tancredo. It presupposes that Mexicans choose candidates based only on race, whether backing their own or opposing another. The funny part about this claim is reality: Mexicans largely ignored the presidential run of New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and have supported black politicians, from the days of Vicente Guerrero (the mulatto Mexican president who outlawed slavery in 1829) to big-city mayors like Tom Bradley and Harold Washington, to Barack Obama in his various Illinois campaigns and his run at a presidential nomination. Concluding that Mexicans won’t elect blacks because they’ve so far mostly sided with Clinton during the primaries is a fallacy as ridiculous as the Sorites paradox (go ahead, look it up). In otras palabras: How many Mexican votes must Obama earn before people will stop insisting Mexicans won’t vote for him because of his skin? Five? One thousand? All the banda in Texas? Heaven forbid Mexicans support a nationally known personality with whom they’re more familiar instead of a first-term senator from a flyover state. And anyone ever think Mexicans are more inclined to vote for Clinton because they like her centrist policies more than Obama’s liberal promises? But try telling either of those points to gabachos, who forsake logical explanations for the easier rationale that Mexicans just don’t like negritos. Are there Mexicans who won’t vote for Obama solely because he’s black? Absolutely—and they deserve deportation. If you need a better litmus test of potential Mexican love for Obama, refry this: If the man openly proclaimed support for amnesty instead of the qualified mumbo-jumbo he currently offers, Clinton would be reduced to eating at famous taquerías for the wab vote—oops, too late! As for the Mexican’s personal vote? He sided with Obama in the California primaries, but mostly because I despise the idea of the Clinton and Bush familias occupying the White House since 1981. But come November, I’ll be stumping for the same candidate I’ve supported these past 52 years: Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman. What, yo worry?
Why the hell don’t Mexicans vote? —Mexican-Loving Gabacho Political Candidate
Dear Gabacho: Mexicans don’t vote because they’re quick to learn American ways, which is not to give a fuck about politics—and whine after the fact.
THE MEXICAN INVADES YOUTUBE! The Mexican now offers ustedes an online-only question every week through the powers of a pirated camcorder. Submit your video preguntas at youtube.com/askamexicano and view the latest edition every week. Preference given to spicy señoritas! And, as always, continue sending your questions to email@example.com.
Where’s the love for Obama?
Don’t believe the hype about race and the primaries