The craziest thing happened to me at Hiro ballroom’s gay night on Sunday. A guy from New Jersey barreled up to me and said I was cute—no, that’s not the crazy part, I don’t think—and ended up grinding his butt into my crotch (fully clothed, of course) for about 10 minutes in front of swarms of alternately amused and horrified strangers. It was quite a show, honey, and we didn’t even charge extra for it! But when I leaned over to peck the guy on the mouth, he became all outraged and shrieked, “Why’d you do that? That’s not for public, that’s for private!” Huh? So let me get this straight, hussy. You can put on a raucous sodomite display for the masses without a moment’s self-consciousness, but a quick kiss on the lips is deemed way too intimate an act to perform in front of others? Is this how gays really think? Is this not the weirdest little peek into the perversity of twisted-sister sexuality? Would a hug be considered even more egregiously inappropriate? I really want some answers, people!