Music

iVoice: Tom Waits and Waits and Waits

by

JON BOIS DOES IT AGAIN.

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Restaurant Chat!

 

  waiter: Your bourbon, sir.

 

  tom_waits: hey thanks

 

hey will you bring me some corn starch

 

  waiter: Um. Sure.

 

**OnlineHost** waiter has left the chatroom.

 

  TOM_WAITS: so anyway, i was thinkin about doing another album soon

 

  TOM_WAITS: i found an old maytag dryer from the 50s the other day, gonna throw a bunch of old shit in there and record it

 

  eyeball_kid: blorrrrk

 

  TOM_WAITS: a dancing ballerina jewelry box, some russian babooshka dolls, several dead toads and megaphones, myself

 

  eyeball_kid: BLAAaagh

 

  TOM_WAITS: yeah, rain dogs 2, exactly

 

although i’ll probably call it “old man railroad alcohol junkyard sepia sad shit old man et cetera”

 

**OnlineHost** waiter has entered the chatroom.

 

  waiter: Here’s your, uh, corn starch.

 

  TOM_WAITS: obliged

 

/grabs handful of corn starch, soaks it in bourbon, rolls it into cigarette paper

 

  TOM_WAITS: you have a light

 

nevermind

 

/snaps fingers

 

**OnlineHost** An oil-barrel hobo fire has magically appeared.

 

  TOM_WAITS: /lights cigarette with hobo fire, takes a drag

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

  waiter: What? How did you

 

  TOM_WAITS: eh you know, really helps give it some weight

 

  waiter: Weight?

 

  TOM_WAITS: weight

 

  waiter: Wait!

 

  TOM_WAITS: what

 

  waiter: Aren’t you Tom Waits?

 

  TOM_WAITS: yeah

 

  waiter: Didn’t you just announce that you’re going on tour this summer? When are you going to announce the schedule?

 

  waiter: It’s getting late!

 

  TOM_WAITS: i’ll wait

 

  waiter: why

 

  TOM_WAITS: because tom waits and so should you

 

  waiter: what

 

oh

 

um, what would you like

 

  TOM_WAITS: an enormous bucket of peanut shells and asphalt

 

you know, to eat

 

  waiter: Oh. Well we can do that! We’ll just have to get payment in advance. It’ll take us a while to get it together for you.

 

  TOM_WAITS: it’s okay, tom waits

 

  waiter: Yeah. Soooo…one check?

 

  TOM_WAITS: yeah, your turn to pick up the tab

 

  eyeball_kid: ghhhllalaaaackack

 

  TOM_WAITS: so you want to go back to saigon then

 

  eyeball_kid: blahg.

 

  waiter: uh all right. I’ll just get your card and signature.

 

  TOM_WAITS: you know he can’t sign

 

  eyeball_kid: /cries right there on the dotted line

 

  TOM_WAITS: /barfs into hat

 

ProgressiveBoink.com

 

 

 

 

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