Music

iVoice: Tom Waits and Waits and Waits

by

JON BOIS DOES IT AGAIN.

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Restaurant Chat!

waiter: Your bourbon, sir.

tom_waits: hey thanks

hey will you bring me some corn starch

waiter: Um. Sure.

**OnlineHost** waiter has left the chatroom.

TOM_WAITS: so anyway, i was thinkin about doing another album soon

TOM_WAITS: i found an old maytag dryer from the 50s the other day, gonna throw a bunch of old shit in there and record it

eyeball_kid: blorrrrk

TOM_WAITS: a dancing ballerina jewelry box, some russian babooshka dolls, several dead toads and megaphones, myself

eyeball_kid: BLAAaagh

TOM_WAITS: yeah, rain dogs 2, exactly

although i’ll probably call it “old man railroad alcohol junkyard sepia sad shit old man et cetera”

**OnlineHost** waiter has entered the chatroom.

waiter: Here’s your, uh, corn starch.

TOM_WAITS: obliged

/grabs handful of corn starch, soaks it in bourbon, rolls it into cigarette paper

TOM_WAITS: you have a light

nevermind

/snaps fingers

**OnlineHost** An oil-barrel hobo fire has magically appeared.

TOM_WAITS: /lights cigarette with hobo fire, takes a drag

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

waiter: What? How did you

TOM_WAITS: eh you know, really helps give it some weight

waiter: Weight?

TOM_WAITS: weight

waiter: Wait!

TOM_WAITS: what

waiter: Aren’t you Tom Waits?

TOM_WAITS: yeah

waiter: Didn’t you just announce that you’re going on tour this summer? When are you going to announce the schedule?

waiter: It’s getting late!

TOM_WAITS: i’ll wait

waiter: why

TOM_WAITS: because tom waits and so should you

waiter: what

oh

um, what would you like

TOM_WAITS: an enormous bucket of peanut shells and asphalt

you know, to eat

waiter: Oh. Well we can do that! We’ll just have to get payment in advance. It’ll take us a while to get it together for you.

TOM_WAITS: it’s okay, tom waits

waiter: Yeah. Soooo…one check?

TOM_WAITS: yeah, your turn to pick up the tab

eyeball_kid: ghhhllalaaaackack

TOM_WAITS: so you want to go back to saigon then

eyeball_kid: blahg.

waiter: uh all right. I’ll just get your card and signature.

TOM_WAITS: you know he can’t sign

eyeball_kid: /cries right there on the dotted line

TOM_WAITS: /barfs into hat

ProgressiveBoink.com

jonbois@gmail.com

 

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