“Snooze” Alarm: Today’s Perky Daily News (And Other Great Headlines)


Did they change up the coffee formula at 450 W. 33rd Street? I’m asking because today’s Daily News is full of so many zings and puntastic headlines that I was cracking up before I even started reading any articles. Look at the front page, we get not one, but two rhyming headlines: “GOTTI NEEDS SHRINK (But it’s not what you think!)” and “WHAT A MESS AT CBS.”

Pages 4 and 5 of the paper are dedicated to the latest in the “Kat-astrophe” regarding Katie Couric’s potential exit from CBS. Richard Huff and Corky Siemaszko report that the network is keeping mum about any plans for Couric to leave the CBS Evening News, but that the anchor may be interested in working at 60 Minutes full-time or having her own syndicated talk show. Huff also has an opinion column urging the network to get rid of Couric on the evening newscast immediately, as “the high-priced experiment hasn’t succeeded on any level.”

The Gotti story has an even better headline on page 7: “You can shrink your hemorrhoids but not your sentence!” Apparently Peter Gotti was requesting a shorter sentence on medical grounds. Gotti is serving 112 months (why didn’t they just say nine years?) for racketeering and money laundering. Apparently the Gambino boss is suffering from hemorrhoids after having colon polyps removed last year. This allows the News to go wild with the story, including such gems this paragraph about the judge’s decision on the matter (bolding mine):

Block reserved judgment, declining to make a final decision by the seat of his pants without more detailed medical information

Michael Goodwin’s column today is a follow-up on his April 2 admonishment of Albany District Attorney David Soares, who Goodwin said he would gladly call a coward to his face after Soares botched the Troopergate investigation. Soares and Goodwin sat down yesterday and today’s column, “Got a bridge to sell, to?” shows that Goodwin is not convinced of Soares’s defense of Troopergate. In fact, according to Goodwin:

His defense is a mind-boggling mishmash not worthy of a Podunk sherrif, let alone the chief prosecuting officer in the Empire State’s capital.

It’s an interesting read.

It’s not just the Daily News who has the good headlines today. The Post also has a few gems:

“$$ FOR GAYS AND DOLLS” (Rundown of pork-barrel projects in the state budget, including $1,000 to the “Day to be Gay Foundation” in Sullivan County and “$2,500 to Doll and Toy Museum of New York City. Bonus points for the pig photo.)

“NY passes on gas for LI Sound” (Plans for liquefied natural-gas terminal are denied.)

“ANIMAL ‘LOUSE'” (Frat boy hired “goons” to beat up his fraternity brother as revenge for brother allegedly sleeping with his girlfriend.)

“SCATTER BRAINS” (Gifted-and-talented programs in public schools have disparate numbers in different areas of city.)