Equality

What Drunken Gays’ Lies Really Mean

by

Go to a gay bar at 2 a.m. and you’ll be swathed in self serving lies and cuckoo delusions, all spewing at you with unspeakably boozy breath. As someone who’s been there—every single night of my adult life—let me decode some of the b.s. for you:

“I’m sober” generally means “I’ve been doing so many drugs for so long it feels totally natural to me.”

“I’m not on manhunt” means “I’m not on manhunt right at this moment.”

“I’m a top” mean “I’m a bottom.”

“I dated Chace Crawford” means “I dated a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who waited on Chace Crawford at a Chucky Cheese.”

“I’ve always been bisexual” means “In high school, I had a fake girlfriend, but the story fell apart when everyone realized she was my sister.”

and. . .

“I dumped my last boyfriend. We had grown apart and I was so bored with him” means “He took out a restraining order.”