Oh, no my friends! Stay as far away from them as you can—they are the devil with the face of angel food cake! They will rip your heart out and stomp it to the ground, destroying you with their addiction, while somehow functioning well enough to stay afloat only because they can carelessly careen past all their fuckups and ooze enough charm to make you endlessly forgive them.
Trust me, they are nothing but pitifully selfish piles of messy, drooling trouble—hit-and-run drivers of the heart. For future reference, here are the warning signs:
On first meeting, they’ll inevitably say “I’m sober” when you didn’t even ask. Please! No one who’s really sober ever has to say that! Especially first thing!
On a date, they’ll disappear for 15 minutes at a time and come back chewing their upper lip.
They have multiple personalities. They’ll bouncily gab a mile a minute at a club, full of plans and aspirations, but the next day, they’re cold and inarticulate and wish you’d never called.
They constantly make plans, then forget about them, leaving you adrift without warning. And they’ll always find it impossible to say “I’m sorry” because that would be acknowledging that they’re fucked up.
They’re cheap! Any extra dough they have, they want to spend on nose candy. Their own.
In a rare pique of honesty, they’ll admit, “I have a problem and it almost ruined my life a few years ago. Thank God I got over it.” That’s your cue to get over the nearest fence and run for the hills!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 23, 2008