I must be on some shit list that Details magazine has of people to call for quotes that will be cut somewhere in the editing process—comments that will give the article some kind of starting point that can later be shredded down by overpaid temps who can’t afford anti-anxiety meds. Throughout the years, writers for the gay-friendly-to-the-point-of-masturbation mag have called me for bites on everything from celebrity jewelry to the art of gossiping, and not once did my quotes end up running, even in the freakin’ sidebar! People in the Conde Nast building must be slipping all over my quotes on the floor! So lately I’ve been telling any quote-herder from Details to leave me the fuck alone so I can concentrate on my TV whoring. (At least when you’re canceled from that, it’s more major.)
But when they approached me for a story they were doing on the gay baby boom—the increasingly popular practice of queer couples acquiring petite ones—I couldn’t resist, feeling this was right up my Kirstie Alley. I gave them pithy yet all-encompassing remarks that I just knew were perfect for this piece, and I was sure this time I’d get in—until I got a message from the mag confirming that I indeed had personally adopted kids! Say what? I don’t even have a potted plant! I started wondering if they had absurdly confused me with Dan Savage, and sure enough, when the article came out, it had several comments from him but not one from my own childless self. I’d been screwed by Conde(scending)-Nasty once again! So here’s my last comment to Details: Buzz off, muthas!! Lose my contact info or you’ll be bracing for a one-man gay psycho boom!!!