Things You Must Never Say To Me


“Why don’t you look like you’re having fun?” Because I’m NOT having fun, ding dong! Or maybe I am, but I’m just not sporting a ridiculously grinning face every second of the godforsaken night. If I kept that up, I’d probably explode from the pressure. Sound like fun?

“What channel are you on again?” I don’t know—all of them. Especially the ones towards the very end of the dial. What channel are YOU on, cretin?

“How do you keep so fresh and energetic without doing drugs and alcohol?” Moron, that’s EXACTLY how I keep so fresh and energetic. Now get off the floor, get me a Diet Coke, and then kindly get a job.

“I remember you from way back in the ’80s at that club called, what was it again…?” It was called shut the fuck up, sugar! I’m not interested in dredging up some vague past you might think you have with me, especially since it might remind my drunken friends, if they’re listening, that I’m older than Barbara Walters. And I certainly don’t remember YOU from that club!

“You should do a blog! Why don’t you do a blog? Huh? Wouldn’t it be great if you did a blog? Huh?” I’ve been doing it for four months, asshole! You should do an oral colonic!

But feel free to come up to me and say anything else, people. I love to connect with my fans.