iVoice: Coldplay’s Chris Martin Tries to Befriend Thom Yorke


CorporalMartin: Hey Thom! Long time, no talk!

Away message from SargeantYorke:

busy not being coldplay

CorporalMartin: 🙁

CorporalMartin: I know you’re just jokin’! Let me know when you get back in!

CorporalMartin: Thom? You there?

SargeantYorke: hris martin looks like an emaciated donkey

SargeantYorke: oh, sorry, wrong window.

CorporalMartin: Oh.

CorporalMartin: Well, I was just gonna ask, did you happen to see that we came out with another album?

SargeantYorke: oh did you really

CorporalMartin: Yeah! And y’know, we’re pretty big fans of you guys

SargeantYorke: yeah, i heard.

isn’t it great how I wrote Ok Computer and I still have both my balls?

CorporalMartin: oh shit you read that


CorporalMartin: ah, well . . .

so of course, we were curious to see what you thought of our new record!

SargeantYorke: listen man, i don’t have time to go to, type in “jack johnson bono masturbate” and listen through the radio station for two hours

CorporalMartin: Oh, you don’t have to do that. It’s in stores!

SargeantYorke: what the fuck is a store

SargeantYorke: anyway i think i get the idea of “coldplay”

SargeantYorke: you sit at a piano and sing falsetto about being sorry

then you explain that it’s unique because you recorded in a warehouse or a church or a port-a-john or whatever the god fuck

SargeantYorke: oh man, i hope your album has art on it! i hope that art is supposed to symbolize something!

CorporalMartin: Actually, it does! It’s a

SargeantYorke: nobody cares

CorporalMartin: Well okey doke then. Sorry to bug you. I just think it’d be really great if you gave it a listen! Honest critique is welcome!

Away message from SargeantYorke:

performing a webcast in a soiled undershirt, be back later

CorporalMartin: aw jeez

**OnlineHost** Later that evening…

SargeantYorke: oh man, so you wouldn’t believe who messaged me today

fuckin chris martin from coldplay

SargeantYorke: guy is such a douchebag, coldplay sucks so bad

TOM_WAITS: why do you say that

SargeantYorke: well i mean, heh, it’s coldplay, come on

TOM_WAITS: son i heard the new coldplay album, it’s nothin spectacular but it’s really not bad

TOM_WAITS: did you even listen to it or did you just decide to get all snarky about it pre-emptively

SargeantYorke: well

well i mean no, but

TOM_WAITS: think on this, lazy-eye

some folks like you and me can get away with shit. i can sell millions of albums of me whacking a plumbing fixture with a lead pipe and screaming about setting my wife on fire

TOM_WAITS: and you can get away with goddamn “push/pull revolving doors”

TOM_WAITS: and if we weren’t so lucky we might just have to spit our dicks out our mouths and write regular people music

SargeantYorke: well yeah maybe

TOM_WAITS: how about you actually listen to it, i kind of like some songs on there

TOM_WAITS: i’m outta here

/slaps saddle


CorporalMartin: HEE HAW

/trots into horizon


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