Feel like indulging your apartment neurosis? Behold the Rentometer, to which spahagirl of Above The Doorframe tipped us. Rentometer seems to think the monthly on our godforsaken Brooklyn hellhole is “much lower than the median rent in your area. Your unit seems to be a great deal!”…


And our nearest neighbor on their map (who apparently lives on the corner, in or above one of the abandoned storefronts, the mob-connected fixtures store, or the crummy bodega) is paying “the median rent,” $600 more than us. But there are no fields for vermin, stucco, crinkly linoleum, or paper-thin walls at Rentometer, alas, so we couldn’t grade on the curve.

Still, we were feeling pretty good about our situation till we saw the “Perfect East Village Share, Two Bedroom for $3200” at NYC Rentopia. Varnished floors, plenty of light, and “Trader Joes, Whole Foods and the greenmarket are all within a short walk.” It was tantalizingly almost-affordable. If only we could stand to live with other people!

Then we went to get some air and, after we had wrestled our bicycle through the crawlspace/kitchen, opened the computer and saw that Erin Behan of A Brooklyn Life had spotted Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen of “The Real Housewives of New York” (photo subjects in the June 22 New York magazine) in Columbia Heights or whatever they’re calling that strip on the edge of Carroll Gardens/Red Hook: “I saw a certain BMW park in front of DUB Pies on Columbia Street,” she gushed, “and watched a certain tall, goateed man get out with his strawberry blonde-headed wife and two adorable children, I got as giddy as a school girl.” We used to live Columbia Street, back when BMWs only used it to rapidly access the BQE after a drug deal, and… and…. oh, never mind.

‘Saright: on Sunday in Williamsburg, oldtimers danced the giglio on Havemeyer in honor of San Paolino di Nola and Our Lady of Mount Carmel, as they have for over 100 years, give or take a World War. This is still the greatest city in the world for old cranks who remember when it was better, and perhaps for you, too.