Red Sox Predictions for August 2008
1) Lugo stays hurt (if there is a God).
2) Lowrie proves to be an indispensable shortstop, and we retain him for the rest of the year to the sounds of cheering fans and firecrackers over the Charles River.
3) Big Papi returns on July 25 against the Yanks, and goes 4 for 4 in his first five games back.
4) Varitek comes out of his slump and hits a few clutch doubles here and a few 2- or 3-run home runs there. His current .214 average is deemed “his career’s worst slump,” and I wear my Varitek jersey with pride.
5) Manny proves to be clutch during a few big games against the Yankees, and all his sins are forgiven. The fans forget, because fans have a short-term memory when it comes to Manny, and John Henry is seen gently caressing a picture of Manny in the Green Monster on his cell phone.
Yankees Predictions for August 2008
1) During a game, Abreu runs in the opposite direction of a ball careening into right field, and later, is seen in tears, talking to Girardi. “It could’ve HIT me!!” he sobs, as Girardi sighs and hands him a gold lame thong.
2) One-year-married Matsui stays on the DL, but has lots of sex, doggy-style, with his wife. He aggravates his knee injury and is out for the rest of the year.
3) Girardi realizes his job is on the line when the Yanks lose 10 games in a row. In a press conference to the public in September, he blames himself and says the team needs to “get it together” and “play like they mean it.” It is the 33rd time he has said this this year, however, and nobody believes him anymore. Hank gives another memorable quote to the media, which includes a not-so-veiled threat to Girardi.
4) Harlan Chamberlain lands his own 8 p.m. Friday-night gig on ESPN, in which he talks about how he raised Joba alone, worked in a prison, and wants to be an inspiration for all people with polio.
5) Giambi’s ‘stache falls off in the middle of a mid-August night, and the doctors diagnose a flesh-eating rash. He goes on the DL, but doctors say there’s no hope of recovery. He retires from baseball, but his brother Jeremy comes to play in his stead for the Yanks. He bats .116 the rest of the year and the Yanks trade him to the Royals.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 21, 2008