New York

Why Don’t Fashion People Look Better?

by

I got stuck outside a fashion designer’s soiree the other day waiting with a throng of fashionistas for the elevator, and in the daylight realized something extremely shocking: The people who decide all the trends in beauty and style are absolutely hideous! Looking around at the sea of editors, designers, and stylists, I gagged over the quease-making sea of unmovable eyelids; liver-spotted hands that don’t go with the linoleum-like foreheads; woefully skeletal frames; wretchedly inappropriate outfits; and a complete lack of necks. These people clearly have no idea how to dress, do makeup, find proper surgeons, or carry themselves in public. Even beyond the old “Those who can’t do, teach” routine, these freaks should not have anything to do with looks and loveliness–and yet they are our beauty Nazis, dictating on a daily basis what we should wear and on just what kind of face and body. Ugh! I’m putting a bag over my entire being and escaping to Canada! And so is Susan Sarandon!