The immortal musical Guys and Dolls is heading back to Broadway, which is about as surprising as the fact that Pal Joey, On The Town, West Side Story, and the entire David Mamet canon are being regurgitated back too. I guess we might as well embrace the inevitable while admitting that, seeing as I played the pivotal role of Benny Southstreet in high school, I know exactly which guys and dolls they should sweep up for the cast so this doesn’t become a floating crap game. Various names are already being dropped like stripper’s panties, but to a true Broadway conno-sewer like me, the parts should indubitably go to:
Nathan Detroit: Sean Hayes. Relax, it’s been played by a gay before.
Miss Adelaide: Kerry Butler or Sherie Rene Scott. Either kook works for me.
Sky Masterson: Cheyenne Jackson or Harry Connick Jr.. Ditto. They both have the shoulderblades.
Sarah Brown: Kelli O’Hara. Duh.
Arvide: Dick Latessa. Alas, the character’s song, “More I Cannot Wish You,” is the “Little Lamb” of Guys and Dolls. Maybe just cut it?
Nicely Nicely: Stew. You heard me. Stew.
And Benny Southstreet? Who cares! Truth be told, it’s not that pivotal a role after all. I didn’t even invite my cousins.