What columnist gets a rush of sadistic joy by periodically serving up salacious gossip items which he/she purposely vagues up by leaving out the names? Free answer: You’re reading him/her! And by now, I’m the unofficial dungeonmaster of this terrain—the blindies practically pop out of my butthole on command every three months or so and aim right for your cranium.
I’m sorry they pop out with hints and clues instead of actual nomenclature, but hey, that makes them way more interactively challenging for you and far less problematic for me. And trust mama, the items are all true anyway, since I’ve always avoided the temptation to use these columns as compost heaps for every two-bit rumor I hear. (You know, Keanu Reeves married David Geffen. Or Barry Diller married Diane von Furstenberg.) They’re so true, in fact, that they’re practically libel-free; someone would have to be a complete whack job to sue, saying: “How dare you imply that was me with the Labrador and the K-Y Jelly! I mean, it was, but how dare you!” So let the filthy yet harmless (for me, anyway) fun begin:
Which local drag star only tops for the hottest guys? (And she gets them, honey.) What designer’s ex-boyfriend has a shady habit of trying to sneak the condom off in the middle of sex? Should he be arrested for attempted mass murder? What local oddity, who’s exceedingly large of penis, recently kept promising me future bouts of sex while more urgently milking me for tips on what fabulous parties there were to go to that week? Who stopped e-mailing him back? Which Olympics star is rumored—and only by complete crazies, mind you—to have cut off his wee-wee so he can swim faster? Wouldn’t it have been a lovely oar? Which candidate’s wife, when greeted at an invitational dinner by a designer from her hometown, looked completely stonefaced and couldn’t even muster the slightest bit of charm or human connection? Did she forget she regularly shops at the store that designer is featured at? Which late modeling titan once said of a future superstar, “I don’t sign midgets,” and of another closeted one, “He’s too ethnic”?
Which faded action hero once crapped in the shower of a Vegas casino just because he could? (No shit!) Which ex–child star was begged by that woozy actress to take the three-way out of her book, but got to keep it in after she threatened to put in far more damaging things? Which young TV actress turned chick-bonding-type-movie ensemble player is supposedly so dumb she couldn’t find her name on her own birth certificate if she had to? Which toupée-wearing comic has been known to murmur, “Horny, horny, horny” in clubs while pointing at cute boys for his handlers to bring over for seduction?
Which designer is so cheap that once, instead of hiring a fitting model, she used an intern with scoliosis? Does she wonder why that line looked a little off? What teen who was on a soap opera vividly remembers the married male ‘throb of the show ringing her for attempted booty calls? Which TV weatherman (no, not that one) broke up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend who used to berate him for being too femmy? Which famous blogger was pitched an item by a New York daily paper’s writer and responded: “How about if the [New York daily paper] does a feature on me?”?
What heavy-metal rocker stayed true to his taste by lodging at a glamorous Holiday Inn in Jersey when he had business to do in New York? Which abrasive royalty type from a reality show was unshockingly seen doing copious amounts of blow in a tacky nightclub? Might that explain her annoying energy level? Which ex-discovery of that 50-year-old pop star responded to new photos of another of her ex-discoveries by saying: “He looks beat up”? Which same guy admits to people in clubs, “I could suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick” in between choruses of “I’m high, high, high”? (And probably horny, horny, horny.)
Which ’80s sitcom diva once called the show’s head writer to say of her most problematic co-star: “We have to stop calling her a cunt. She is now officially megacunt!”? Which manic screen comic regularly has cast members gather ’round to watch his rushes and likes them to scream with laughter over how utterly brilliant he is? Which downtown dealer/personality no longer counts Heath Ledger as one of her clients? Is that why she seems to be in hiding? Which famous twin not only looks homeless, she has a distinct body odor about her too, a scent some feel is based on sheer arrogance? Speaking of which, what Broadway website editor often takes two to three weeks to answer business e-mails and then barely responds with any concrete information anyway? (When you bitch to him about this, he doesn’t respond at all.) Which Ben Franklin look-alike on the scene once offered someone $500 if she’d let him touch her penis, but the problem was she didn’t have one?
Which smash comedy writer-director has a long history of “borrowing” jokes from anyone else who’s gotten a laugh with them? Which image guru changed his own look by losing weight and shaving off his hair, then was horrified to find people were gossiping about whether he had cancer? Which pop tart’s dad has had more legal woes than the public knows about, dating back to various forms of fraud and other icky business? Which rock star’s wife recently went into a department store and started her purchasing experience by saying to the personal shopper: “Do you know who I am?” (That’s obnoxious, but probably not as bad as the more familiar “Don’t you know who I am?”) Which late tycoon would, with typical suaveness, tell people about his legendary wife: “No one sucks dick like she does!”? Did his penis shoot oil? What romantic lead of a Lindsay Lohan film has such little improvisational skill that in the middle of sex with a guy, he once blurted: “Fuck me, you big, uh, nelly queen!”? Which late comedy legend slipped out an anti-gay joke on the air, but two of his children—a daughter and a son—happen to be totally that way? Which old-time actress (who starred in a Twilight Zone) has gleefully carpet-munched with the daughter?
Shouldn’t Anna Wintour be thrilled that Vogue is looking a little slimmer these days? (It was starting to look a little plus-sized, don’t you think?) Did Tom Cruise realize when he signed on to appear in Tropic Thunder that the Ben Stiller character is clearly a wicked spoof of Tom Cruise? Did Britney Spears sense any irony when she told OK! magazine that she wants to shield her kids from showbiz, in a cover feature accompanied by shots of her and her kids? And finally: Which singer has been gaining weight thanks to the cocaine regularly blown up her rear—the only functioning membrane left in her body—by a staff member? Yes, I know that one is 15 years old, but I wanted to end with a classic. I can get away with it, honey. Don’t you know who I am?