The Dummos’ Guide To Getting Into Private Parties and Clubs


Want to get into some overhyped event at an overcrowded, smelly nightclub? Well, you’re crazy, but I’ll humor you and give you the best approaches to do so, in descending order of effectiveness:

1) Be invited (though that’s still far from a guarantee of admission)

2) Give the doorperson drugs. (Actually, make that number one.)

3) Look terribly young, rich, and sexy. Pout your lips a lot and keep your legs spread at all times.

4) Approach the door with utter confidence, as if you belong inside. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and the rope will generally part due to your sheer balls.

5) Act like you’re very tight with the dooperson. “Hey, what’s new? It’s been too long!” They will assume they know you and will feel embarrassed to take a chance and tell you to buzz off.

6) If you’re not instantly admitted, blow a fit and demand to see “the owner, who I’m friends with.” By the way, I made this the very last resort because every jerkoff on earth tries this approach and it never works. Even if you ARE friends with the owner.