Theater

What Was The Worst Broadway Musical of All Time?

by

I have no idea, but I can tell you the worst ones I’ve ever seen! (And I’ve seen a lot, honey. I live for this shit—in fact, when I hear a show’s a stinkbomb, I usually run to catch it in previews for fear it won’t actually open.) And so, in descending order of rottenness:

(1) In My Life. (Ran 84 performances in 2005.) This vanity production written by some rich hack turned out to be a corny romance between a cute guy with Tourette’s syndrome and his manic-depressive girlfriend. It made you want to leave the theater screaming “Fuck you, cocksucker motherfucker…”. The song “Doomed” pretty much said it all.

(2) Into The Light. (19 performances in 1986.) What a dazzling idea—a musical about the authenticity of the shroud of Turin! A totally boring, sanctimonious piece of caca with unhummable songs like “Poltergeists” and “Neat/Not Neat”! By the end I believed—I had been totally ripped off.

(3) Got Tu Go Disco. (17 performances in 1979). A flashy, empty musical about the disco phenomenon, featuring Studio 54’s actual doorman. He should have been beaten with his clipboard. The “tu” in the title was a pretty good giveaway that this was pure doogy du.

(4) Metro. (37 perfs in ’92.) This Polish joke set in a high-tech subway station had a nice set but was basically unintelligible, with songs like “Bluezwis” and “Uciekali” somehow failing to top the hit parade. I swiped my Metro card out of there.

(5) Carrie. (21 perfs in ’88). Yes, a toe-tapping tuner based on the Stephen King tale about the weird girl with telekinesis whose prom gown ends up with red streaks! Mind you, it wasn’t so bad that it was hilarious (except for the “kill the pig, get the blood” number) and Betty Buckley elevated the whole thing as the crazed mom, but still, critics reached for their tampons.