New York

Morsels For Foodists…


Craving a beverage with all the velvetiness of cum but without the zippy taste? Try the yogurt drink at Moustache or the Young Coconut Shake at Quintessence!…Have you noticed that every single dish on earth these days—whether it be a fancy-assed steak or a slab of ground chuck—is served with shoestring fries? They must be cheaper to make in quantity than real food…..”Want that sandwich on a bun or bread?” asked my waiter at the once reliable Veselka. “A bun,” I ventured, unsurely. And he ended up charging me extra! Suck on some young coconut, bitch!

And that’s end of my foodist morsels. I usually eat at grub malls in Times Square and order an asperbeger deluxe, so what the fuck do I know? No, wait, here’s one more: At Citarella in the Fire Island Pines, the sandwiches are named after celebrities, both international and local. The best one is the Naomi Campbell, which consists of a yummy heap of crab salad. (Are they saying Naomi’s a crab? Um, yes.) The Robin Byrd has chicken salad, but it should really be just garlic—that’s what the Byrd swears by in between relaxing and getting comfortable. And the Keira Knightley sandwich? Well, let’s just say it’s very light.

Bonus non-food item on an immortal dish: I hear Marilyn Monroe’s missing Golden Globe award (for Some Like it Hot) has been found. I wish they found an Oscar for her too!

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