Red Square photo by Dmitry Azovtsev
Been around the world and I, I, I…I can’t stand a lot of the places that are so hyped and buzzed about! Here are the locales that, in all my travels from Bangkok to Bushwick, have really made me want to pack the bags under my eyes and head right home.
(1) Key West. This famed resort struck me as way more rednecky than anyone had let on. Far from a gay mecca, it’s more like a gay’s worst nightmare, filled with people whose eyes are way too close together. Sure, New Hope, Pennsylvania is half dead, but at least it’s not terrifying like Key West!
(2) Moscow. I would rather eat cut glasnost than go there again. It’s freezing and boring and, once you’ve seen Red Square, there’s not much to do except hope the person driving your cab isn’t a serial killer.
(3) Vienna. What a snoozy town of old farts! I swear by 9 PM, there isn’t a light on in the whole place. You could crap into a streetcorner garbagecan and be the most exciting person in town. No wonder Mozart wrote so much fucking music here—there’s nothing else to do. Waltz your ass right out of there!
(4) Honolulu. I expected Elvis’s ghost to greet me with a lei and a pineapple, but you don’t even get kitsch culture in this glossy hovel. It’s bland and touristy and everyone’s too fucking calm. It made me Hawaiian punchy!
(5) A tie between Amsterdam (I couldn’t find the fabled decadence—just lots of college students loitering around on pot, unable to move) and San Juan (about as rich in culture as a Honolulu souvenir stand). And don’t get me started on Buffalo!