Dear Mexican: I am a chica struggling with the choice to come out to my parents about my sexual orientation. My family is Catholic, and my parents are old-school. My parents have been living in the U.S. for about 45 years, and they have adopted some American attitudes about life. What are your thoughts concerning those of us that juggle Catholicism, homosexuality, and old-fashioned (but great) Mexican parents? —An Innocent Bi-Stander
Dear Saint: I feel for ustedes. There’s only one thing you can do: Come out to your parents. But don’t take my heterosexist word for it. I asked my amiga, the hilariously subversive writer Monica Palacios, to give you some advice. The queer señorita offered this beautiful note for your use:
Dear Chica With the Muy Catholic Parents: Slip a note into the piñata that reads: “Queridos padres: Happy anniversary. I love you very much, and by the way—I’m a lesbian. My sexuality is not a reflection on you; it’s about who I am—and I am a healthy, happy woman in love with another woman. My girlfriend and I would like for you to attend the performance of Monica Palacios. She’s a hot Chicana lesbian performer who will be doing a piece about the importance of same-sex marriage. Please come, learn, and laugh, and then we can all go out for menudo.” Be true to yourself, amiga: Your parents might be upset, but better them rattled than you living a lie.
(For more about Monica Palacios, visit monicapalacios.com.)
And for any homophobic Mexicans out there: Get over it. Gays and lesbians are the illegal immigrants of American sexuality, perfectly normal folk who, because they’re just the slightest bit different from mainstream norms, must suffer bigots and stupid laws.
I have a Mexican stepson whom I love dearly. I go to all his boring soccer games, and they win all the time, and these kids are so happy when they win—but when it comes to taking their picture, they never smile. Why don’t Mexicans smile in pictures? Why so serious? —The Joker’s On You
Dear Gabacho: To hide our gold and silver teeth.
All my Mexican friends that are Catholic don’t know anything about Catholicism. Sometimes I go to their church for weddings or gang members’ funerals, and they don’t even know when to sit, stand, or repeat after the Father! I don’t think they even know who the woman in the green poncho is! I know the wabs and some first-generation Mexicans know their stuff, but most of my Mexi friends (second-generation and up) haven’t even done their First Communion. Are the Chicanos going to hell? —Our Lady of Perpetual Porno
Dear Gabacha: Any Catholic—observant or not, Mexican or otherwise—who hasn’t risen up to fight their leadership’s role in the church’s horrific sex-abuse scandal is going to hell. And any Catholic who doesn’t support the church’s pro-Reconquista stance on immigration also has a date with the diablo. In conclusion: Worship Huitzilopotchli.