The obnoxious conceit known as bottle service—where you get a table at a club if you promise to order tons of vodka and trimmings, served by a busty blonde—finally seems to be waning because it’s beyond hideous and probably because the spiraling market just can’t support it anymore. That’s ONE good thing about the recession!
A press release for the club Prime, opening this Saturday, says the era where “clubs treat the customer as the enemy” is officially on life support. “Aggressive door staffs push customers around,” says the notice. “They are made to wait hours to try…for the ‘privilege’ of buying 6 bottles of Grey Goose to get in. Bottles that are then served with an attitude, by a detached bottle hostess.”
But that whole scene is now apparently as dead as my Washington Mutual account. “With the new Prime,” continues the release, “comes a new attitude creating pleasure for the customer and making the party a fun party. Admission will no longer be driven by bottle sales…The days of catering to the assh*** who is willing to buy 6 bottles at the expense of the nice guy who wants to pay cover is over.”
Of course nabbing a table will still be competitive and based on having wads of dough. At Prime, bottle minimums will be replaced by “real estate minimums,” where each table (aka “piece of real estate”) will be for sale for a certain amount of money!
Ugh. So now you have to buy a table as if it were a fucking co-op? Do you have to apply for a mortgage, bring certified checks, provide your last two years of tax returns, and appeal to the snooty board? I guess blacks won’t get a table. Bring back bottle service!