Dear Mexican: I’m half-Catalan, and the women on my mom’s side of my family have spent most of our lives being hated by Mexicans. I’ve never understood it. Most of my life I grew up in a mostly Mexican neighborhood, and I spoke their language. But it didn’t matter—my mom, her six sisters, most of my cousins, and myself have been called “coconut” or some other mean thing because of our background, and all of us have been threatened by at least one MEChA member. It wasn’t only our fellow students—none of us could take a Spanish class without a teacher telling us we were completely wrong and that no one talked or wrote like us anymore. But no males in my family ever experienced this. Can you please tell me why Mexican women hate Spanish women? —Barcelona Babe
Dear Ethpañola: Don’t you get it, chula? You’re the oppressor, the whore of the power elite. Mother of the Conquest. Your sons slaughtered millions of Indians. Go back to Europe, you pilgrim. NO HUMAN BEING IS ILLEGAL. SI SE PUEDE. Sorry, had to shake some radicalism out of me—¡QUE VIVA LA RAZA! Anyhoo, there’s no rhyme or razón for the hate wabs inflicted on the women of your family. Since you don’t provide details about the specific anti-Spanish slurs lobbed your way (the “coconut” or vendido—”sellout”—jab is one thrown by many insecure Mexicans at their better-off peers, while the Spanish-language bit probably owes more to your people’s way of speaking español, which you gotta admit is kinda fey), I can only deduce that either the women in your family are envy-producing ladies or bitches. I don’t mean to belittle your pain, but to insist your problems with Mexican mujeres has everything to do with ethnicity and nothing with general traits found in humanity seems pretty ignorant. Want to get back at them? Just say you’re Catalan—betcha that’ll draw more quizzical stares from Mexicans than a Mexican Minuteman.
Representative Chris Cannon of Utah, also known as Mr. Amnesty, one of La Raza’s heroes, was trounced in the Utah primary by a relative unknown who is from the Tom Tancredo school of immigration reform. Poll data show that Cannon’s immigration stance was a major factor in his defeat. I’m hoping this is a sign that we apathetic gringos are finally connecting the dots about what’s happening to our country. What’s your take? —Legal Resident
Dear Gabacho: Keep hoping. Railing against Mexicans might win local races, but it’s simply not an issue that translates into a platform for national electoral victory. If it was, Tancredo would’ve been the Republican candidate for president instead of his sworn enemy, John McCain; instead, Tancredo sits somewhere in Colorado, drowning his tears in green chile over his hypocritical endorsement of McCain. The problem for your side of the political aisle is that you’ve never been able to lay out a cogent argument against illegal immigration that doesn’t inevitably turn into a Know Nothing screed against culture. Again, look at Tancredo, also known as Mr. Deportation, who’s now leaving Congress with little to show for his nine years on Capitol Hill other than having his name become a synonym for pendejo.