Live Drunk Liveblogging the Palin-Biden Debate, Part I


No way this won’t be a howling success! Stand by…

9:03: “There’s never been a Vice-Presidential candidate like Sarah Palin!” America’s and anchormen’s sweetheart.

9:04: “Can I call you Joe?” Ooh, twinkle twinkle. Let’s call ’em by their first names too.

Bailout question: Joe says it’s a “pleasure to meet you and a pleasure to be with you.” What a gent. How bad have the past eight years been? “Wall Street running wild,” and Joe running fast. “Barack Obama laid out four basic criteria…” Joe’s just a humble vessel. “Make sure the CEOs don’t benefit… fundamental disagreement between Governor Palin and me…” It’s a Demo rush!

Sarah: “Has this been a good time or a bad time… go to a kid’s soccer game… I betcha you’re gonna hear some fear.” Marge Gunderson, is that you? “Our economy is hurting… sound oversight…” Hey, she’s fast too. “John McCain… sounded that warning bell… thanks to John McCain…” She too is a vessel, is a woman, is aquatic.

Polarization question: Joe says “John said we’d made great economic progress… it’s doesn’t make John McCain a bad guy…” What a gent.

Sarah: “He was talking about and he was talking to the American workforce…” And who can be against the American workforce? “A team of Mavericks… just get the job done… Obama has just voted along party lines… put the special interests aside… tired of the old politics aside… Americans are craving something new… the Maverick from the Senate…” You betcha!

Whoo. Some ice for our fingers please.

Sarah: “Darn right it was the predatory lenders!… Greed and corruption on Wall Street!” John McCain’s gonna take care of that. “Hockey moms, Joe Six-Pack…” Do they live in a swing state? “Strict oversight.” Hm. “Don’t live outside of our means!… We’re takin’ personal responsibility!… a heck of a lot of good lessons…”

Joe: “John McCain was surprised there was a subprime mortgage crisis… He’s a good man…” A gent, but with a knife. “The belief that Wall Street could regulate itself… twenty different occasions… John recently wrote an article…” I guess they’re actually running against John McCain, right?

“Joey, how much does it cost to fill your tank?” He doesn’t drop his g’s, but he’s still one of you.

Sarah: “Darned right we need tax relief.” OMG, is this going to go on all night? Obama will tax your white ass. “Keep more of what we earn and produce… Obama supported increasing taxes…” Is this gonna go on all night?

Joe: “John McCain voted the exact same way” — oh, snap! “The Governor did not answer the question” — someone told him not to smile.

Sarah: “I’m still on the tax thing… not the way the candidate and the moderator want to hear” — what the fuck? Subtext becomes text? “As for John McCain’s adherence to rules and regulations…” Is that a good or a bad thing?

Gwen talks long, an obvious plus for exhausted Joe.

Joe: “The middle class is struggling. The middle class…” That’s where the votes are, Joe. Slow down, wontcha? “95 percent of the people… will get a tax break. The economic engine of America…” Hey, he can even pander fast! “It’s fair, they deserve the tax breaks, not the super wealthy… no more than they did under Ronald Reagan…”

Not getting it by Sarah! “Redistribution of wealth!… Less productivity!… you said higher taxes is patriotic!” Are we going too fast for that to sink in? “Todd” — why isn’t he on stage? Health care: “I wanna give you some details” — slow down! “Purchase their own health care” — yikes. “Unless you’re pleased with the way the government is running anything these days” — give up, America! Live off the land like Sarah and Todd!

Joe: “Scranton, Claymore, Wilmington… we call that fairness.” Ol’ Joe, settin’ by the stove! “He taxes as income… every one of you out there who has a health care program… which his website points out…” Go check, citizen journalists! “I call that the ultimate bridge to nowhere.” Ha, ha, ha.

Bailout! What promises that you can’t keep? Joe: “We may have to slow down…” Oh oh, never admit weakness, Joe! “Tax cut for corporate America… Exxon-Mobil…” Oh, we see where he’s going. “Can’t slow up on education…” There’s a shape to this if you play it at 16 rpm. “Eliminate that wasteful spending… $100 billion dollar tax dodge… shelter… unpatriotic.”

Sarah: “I wanna go back to the energy plan!… your running mate voted for that!… I had to take on those oil companies… that wasn’t gonna happen in my state…” She broke up a monopoly, apparently. “There hasn’t been a whole lot that I’ve promised” that she’d take back. Never back down!

Joe: “Alternative energy” — back in the Dem wheelhouse. “Additional tax cut for the Exxon-Mobils of the world… I agree with the Governor…” Hah, oppo research! “John McCain… another $4 billion tax cut” for oil companies. Jiu-jitsu!

Bankruptcy, now. Sarah: “So many changes… revelation..” (Book of?) “Call for reform…. Fannie Mae… Freddie Mac… we have John McCain to thank for warning people… putting politics aside, even putting the campaign aside…” Yeah, that worked great. “Credit markets… that’s where the Main Streeters like me…” Uh huh.

Joe: “Only 10 percent… it gets complicated…” Ha, complicated, unAmerican! “Subprime mortgage… McCain… ‘I’m surprised about this subprime mortgage crisis'” — Get busy, fact-checkers! “Ways to help people now… not supported by the Bush Adminstration…” Who’s that?

Sarah: “We have to consider the need to do all that we can… domestic supplies of energy all over this great land… East Coast politicians… foreign countries… some who do not like America…” Elitist scum! “Energy independence is the key to our country’s future.”

Climate change. Sarah: “Nation’s only Arctic state… I’m not one to attribute every activity of man… there are real changes… I don’t wanna argue about the causes…” We’ll bet. “Clean up this planet… climate change sub-cabinet… John McCain is right there…” Never attribute the opposition. Others are doing the polluting. “Conserving our petroleum products…”

Joe: “I think it is man-made…. biggest fundamental difference.” Well, yeah. “If you don’t understand what the cause is.” Oh oh, don’t start being secularist, now. “John McCain has voted against… wind, solar, biofuels…” Go, go. “Obama… safe nuclear…” Huh? “Clean coal techology…” Huh? “Drill, drill, drill” — good to get there first!

Sarah: “Drill, baby, drill! And that what we hear all across the country!” Yes, where crowds are vetted. “Pipeline” — she should hit that more, that’s all most of us know about Alaska. “It is safe to drill… ‘all of the above’ approach… you said there wasn’t any such a thing as clean coal” — Hah!

Joe: “My record for 25 years… a comment made on a rope line was taken out of context…” Never apologize! “Why did John vote 20 times?”

Same-sex benefits? Joe: “Absolutely… no distinction… between a same-sex and a heterosexual couple…” Go easy, Joe. This is America. “Life insurance policies, etcetera.” Sarah: “Not if it goes closer and closer to redefining… one man and one woman… if there’s any kind of suggestion that I would be less than tolerant…” Boy, this bothers her. “No one would ever do anything to prohibit… I will tell Americans straight up… one man and one woman…” Don’t abandon me, wingnuts!

Joe says no to gay marriage. Speaks for Obama. Glad to hear Sarah agrees.

“Wonderful, you agree,” says Condi Rice’s BFF.

Break now.