OK, Iraq. Sarah gets on Biden for running with that traitor Obama, who is a traitor. “We need to grow our military… closer and closer to victory.”
Joe: “With all due respect, I didn’t hear a plan.” Again, try it at 16 rpm. Do you kids know what that is? Nevermind… “McCain voted against new troops… timeline…” Oh yeah, this, the timeline, and tell us again, Joe, that the Iraqis have a timeline — oops, he instead hits the Iraqis’ “responsibility,” economic etc.
Sarah: “Your plan is a white flag or surrender… you guys oppose the surge… we’ll know when we’ll finished,” you betcha. “You supported a lot of these things… you said you’d be honored to run with him on the ticket…” Also he opposed Obama, “especially with your son in the National Guard… Barack Obama, another story there.”
Joe: “Let me say that again: John McCain voted against funding the troops…” No one’s gonna un-patriot Joe Biden! “John McCain said the Sunnis and Shias… I love him… dead wrong…” What a gent, again.
Iran, Pakistan. Joe: “They’re both dangerous…” Iran “not close to getting a nuclear weapon… John…” John, John the Palin’s sum. Pakistan “a stable government needs to be established… we should be helping them build schools…” Guess we have to invade them first.
Sarah: “General Petreus and Al Qaeda” agree Iraq’s the deal. Proof enough for us! “Israel is in jeopardy… ‘a stinking corpse’… not sane or stable… can’t allow to acquire nuclear weapons… Obama said he would be willing to meet with… an ally like we have in Israel…” Why do Obama/Biden hate the Jews?
Ifill interferes! Sarah: “Doctor Kissinger…” But “some of these dictators… who HATE AMERICA!” Voice goes up. If that’s what it takes for people to hear… “Diplomacy is hard work… ready to back ya up there!” Goshdoggit.
Joe: McCain doesn’t know what he’s talking about in Iran. They say “a passion for diplomacy” — huh! “How do you do that when you won’t sit down… our allies are on that same page… he wouldn’t even sit down with the government of Spain” — pronounces “Spain” as a foreign word.
Two-state solution? Sarah: “Secretary Rice…” Sucking up to Gwen? “Never allow a second Holocaust…” Oh oh, John will agree! “A two state solution, building our embassy also in Jerusalem…” So the Rapture won’t be threatened.
Joe: “No one in the US Senate has been a better friend to Israel than Joe Biden” — he slowed down! That’s the pull-quote! He’s rolling on this, pronounces “Hezbollah” lasciviously. “Administration… has been an abject failure.”
Sarah: “I’m so encouraged to know that we both accept Israel” — she can be agreeable, too! She just can’t say she agrees. “We’re gonna forge ahead with putting government on the side of the people… change is comin’!”
Joe: “How different is John McCain’s policy going to be than George Bush’s?” Wow, he said “George Bush’s” 50 times without losing his dentures.
Nuclear weapons now. Time to take a leak.
What’d I miss?
Sarah’s still on: Obama said something about Afghanistan that was “reckless.” We’re building schools, apparently.
Joe: “Facts matter. Our commanding general in Afghanistan… will not work… let me say that again…” He says it three times. “More money in three weeks in combat in Iraq… seven years in Afghanistan… let me say it again…” He’s finding a way around the speed thing. Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. Inspections. “Obama… new Senator… reached across the aisle… Dick Lugar…” OK, taking care of that no-reaching thing.
Sarah: “The counter-insurgency principles can work in Afghanistan…” She’s been drilled, baby, drilled.
Joe: “John McCain was saying two years ago…” Again, running against John McCain. Maybe Sarah Palin wasn’t the person who needed to be protected in this debate.
Other foreign adventures — Joe: “The American people have a stomach for success.” Yeah, and nothing else. Joe makes the connection; voted for Bush’s plan because he thought he’d do what he said he would. “I’ve been to those camps in Chad… we should rally the world…” Tapping the podium. Wants to look tough.
Sarah: “It’s so obvious that I’m not a Washington outsider…” Whoa, the kewpie doll thing again, and on a serious subject. But for Darfur, “We can agree on that also…” Ooops, pretty close to “I agree.” And Alaska helps! Calls for divestment in Darfur!
Line to be drawn? Joe talks about genocide, terrorists, etc. “In my view and in Barack’s view” — they’re a team, get it? And he hooks McCain to Cheney this time! “Lockstep with Dick Cheney” — he did it again!
Sarah: “You can say what ya wanna say a month out… the pundits are gonna say who said what and we’ll see…” Really? We thought the pundits were her enemy.
Joe: “God forbid… national tragedy… but if it did, I would carry out Barack Obama’s policies.” Which sound like Democratic boilerplate: middle-class, jobs, etc. Plus “Kill Bin Laden,” which come to think of it Kerry pushed hard too. “Replace the Bush doctrine” — who’s this Bush guy again?
Sarah: “Whattaya expect? A team of Mavericks! We’re gonna disagree!… never asked me to check my opinions at the door…” Now she also repeats Democratic boilerplate, but portrays it as Republican — oops, gets onto “taxes” and “winning the war.”
Joe: “Go down Union Street with me… go to Home Depot…” Ol’ Joe resurfaces! Apparently the “people in my neighborhood” in an old steel town (or is it an old coal town?) know what’s what.
Sarah: “There ya go again! Doggone it!” Jesus holy motherfucking Christ. Now she’s talking about education. Lots of them in her family. And schoolkids! “Ya get extra credit for watching this debate!” She’s a little wet on NCLB.
Ifill: “Everyone gets extra credit tonight!” Yes, if they don’t vomit.
They said they didn’t want to be VPs — Sarah: I made a lame attempt at a joke and so did Joe! Ha, ha! Gosh darnit! John said, “I wantcha to lead!”
Joe “had a long talk” with Obama, and got it sorted. “Help him govern… he’s president, not me.” Oh, and he’s independent. And watery on this subject.
Ifill asks if the VP is part of the executive and the legislative branch, per Cheney. Sarah responds with agreeable mush. But she brightens: “Executive experience! Governor! Mayor!”
Joe: gets on Cheney again, and cites Article I of the Constitution, which is a big loser move because it was a big long time ago and like who cares. Legislative part is a “bizarre” idea.
Ifill posits their weak points (experience/discipline) (?). Sarah: She has experience and “the heartland of America! Being a Mom! Special Needs!” Americans “sit around the kitchen table,” and so does she and all her oddly-named children. Brings up Reagan. (Glug, glug.) Now she’s being shiny and positive, which is dreadful.
Joe: Tries, fails to make a joke. Mutters his accomplishments. But oh, “I know what it’s like to be a single parent.” And he has a kitchen table, too! And gracefully (and unusually humbly) acknowledges that he has made some money, too.
Sarah: McCain is a maverick. No more of the same. Put partisanship aside. Maverick. “Look at Lieberman and Giuliani!” Ugh, let’s not. “We have got to win the wars!” Whoa, there’s more than one? Partisanship! “No matter who’s been in charge!… Change is comin’!”
Joe: Maverick WTF? Bush, Bush, Bush. This is his moment. And he mentions the kitchen table again! “Maverick he is not.”
Final question (THANK FUCK!): Single issue you changed on?
Joe: Wayyyy back when he was less exclusive about approving judges… but then came Bork. He’s setting Palin up cannily. Let’s see how it plays out. She can’t be THAT dumb.
Sarah: She’s not. She says she “quasi-caved” on some vetoes in Alaska. But “on the major principle things” she’s been flawless, she says. In Alaska they just all work together like one happy, oil-rich family.
OH NO ANOTHER QUESTION! “How do you change the tone?”
Joe: “i have been able to work across the aisle…” Zzzzzz… Tells a nice story about Jesse Helms. “Don’t question their motives.” Oh, hey, that turned into a nice bit.
Sarah: “You appoint people regardless of party affiliation… very diverse family… all political persuasions… it’s gonna be okay!” Sorry, just have to clean my mouth. Obama will “kill jobs” and “increase taxes.”
OH NO CLOSING STATEMENTS!
Sarah: “Appreciate blah blah.. I like being able to answer these tough questions without the filter of the mainsteam media!” Evil, evil MSM. “We’re gonna fight!… I know what the hurts are!… We are so blessed!… So proud to be an American!… Ronald Reagan!… We have to fight for it and protect it…” Then she talks about a future time when Americans will not be free. Read close, America: this is the wingnut soul of Sarah Palin.
Joe: “A pleasure… look folks, this is most important election you’ve ever voted in in your life.” He’s talking about the Obama “measure of progress” and Zzzzzz until he gets to the boilerplate, which is of course the Democrats’ best chance. And he talks about the old neighborhood, and his Dad who, as he said at the Convention, told him to get up when he was knocked down. Asks God to bless the troops.
And the families flood the stage and blah blah blah.