Dear Readers: I don’t like to rerun columns because it makes me look like a lazy Mexican, but I realize that, as my column invades foreign terrain (Chattanooga! Columbia, South Carolina! Steamboat Springs, Colorado!), new readers might not understand some of my commandments. Following, then, are the two most frequently asked questions about the Mexican’s methodology:
Dear Mexican: A friend of mine calls Mexicans “wabs” but, being a dumb shit, doesn’t even know what it means—except that it’s not p.c. What’s it mean? —ThesaurusaurusMex
Dear Gabacho: “Wab” is a slur that assimilated Mexicans use to describe and deride recently arrived Mexicans. It can be used as a noun (“Refugio is such a wab”), a verb (“Look how that idiot Refugio wabbed up his truck with a bull sticker!”) or even an adjective (“Refugio’s mustache is so wabby”). The etymology of “wab” is unknown—it could be a mongrelization of either “wetback” or “wop.” But what’s most fascinating about “wab” is that it seems to be a distinctly Orange County term: When I’ve asked various Latino journalists over the years if they were familiar with the term, most drew blanks.
I’m fairly sure that your gibes against Guatemalans are mostly for comic effect, but entre broma y broma, algo se asoma. What have you got against the true raza cósmica? —Guatemalan Guapo
Dear Chapín: “Between joke and joke, something peeks out.” Nice dicho (aphorism), Guapo! But you didn’t ask a question about Mexicans, pendejo. I’ll make an exception, though, since Mexicans and
chapines are brothers in soccer futility. Mexicans despise Guatemalans for many legitimate reasons. Your tamales are better—our puny corn variety doesn’t compare to your wondrous paches—potato tamales stuffed with chicken and just about the most filling, tasteful snack in the Americas. The Mayans contributed more to world culture than the Aztecs; did you know the Mayan calendar remains the most accurate in history? Your national bird, the long-feathered quetzal, is prettier than our golden eagle. In 1821, free from the yoke of Spanish rule, Guatemala joined the burgeoning Empire of Mexico—only to spurn us two years later for the United Provinces of Central America, a coalition of Central American nations created to resemble the United States, but whose corruption and monocultural economics instead inspired the term “banana republic.” But Mexicans hate Guatemalans mostly because of immigration, Guapo. Mexico can barely control its southern border with Guatemala because the Guatemalan government does nada to secure its side, leaving Mexico exposed to illegal immigrants, drug runners, and terrorists. Guatemalans consistently top Mexico’s annual list of the most-deported. And the Guatemalans who do cross over dress funny, are darker-skinned than the average Mexican, and don’t like salsa. (Some don’t even speak Spanish!) In short, Guatemalans are the Mexicans of Mexico—and who doesn’t hate Mexicans?