Last night, Voice editors Eudie Pak and Araceli Cruz trekked out to MSG in hopes of recapturing some glittering fragment of their lost childhood. Postmortem below.
EP: I’ve never seen a crowd teeming with so many pregnant ladies, gay men, and balding dudes in my life.
AC: I must say we didn’t look as haggard as most of the crowd. I can’t say the same for Joey Joe.
EP: Jordan can still hit that soprano, though.
AC: YES! Jordan definitely can still hit those Mariah notes. Joe, on the other hand, has lost the pre-pubescent pitch that I once loved. In fact, after last night’s performance, my favorite New Kid has been upgraded from Joe to Jordan/Jon.
EP: I agree with you on Joe’s vocals. The amount of strain he put on his chords when he was singing “Please Don’t Go Girl” made for a painful visual laxative. They’re all basically playing the same part as back in the day: Jordan, the nimble dancer; Jon, the invisible; Danny, the gorilla with bulging biceps; Joe, the narcissist; and Donnie, the preacher.
AC: What did you think of their individual spotlights? Danny did his break-dancing thing. Jordan did “Give It To You,” and Joe brought out a choir for “Stay The Same” (and practically did a “Dancing With the Stars” number—We get it dude, you were on the show). I thought Donnie was going to recite his breakthrough monologue from the Sixth Sense, but alas he just “played” the guitar during “Cover Girl.” Jon never gets any equal face time.
EP: Jon doesn’t want any face time—he’s got an anxiety disorder. Where’s your sensitivity?
AC: . . .
EP: Anyway, the disappointment of the night: No fist-pushing New Kids Dance. WTF?!
AC: Well there was fist-pumping action during “My Favorite Girl.” Why fist pump that? Speaking of “Favorite Girl,” I found it completely annoying that the camera was constantly zooming on the same chick. I swear she got close-up shots on the jumbo screens like five times, and she had the nerve to take off her shirt! Then when Donnie asked, “How’s my ass looking tonight?” and then dropped his pants, I thought it was a cue for Marky Mark to come out. Sadly the only “guest appearance” was Pussycat Dolls’ Nicole Scherzinger and some Celtics player via the big screen.
EP: A decade ago, Donnie would have given us a minimal peak at his boxers at least.
AC: I wish we made a poster! Mine would have said: “Fuck you Joe, I love Jordan now.”
EP: Pretty funny how Donnie seems to be responding to his imaginary critics. He doesn’t realize nobody is really paying attention to him. Like when he asked why they decided to get back together after 14 long years?
AC: Yeah, he says, “Tonight is why!!!!” I don’t buy it.
EP: He forgot to mention it’s because he’s gotta pay alimony, and the rest of them have nothing better to do.