The next big holiday is Thanksgiving, and the media, which had previously declared war on Christmas, are busy spoiling it for you. Texas Tech University announces via press release that even a properly-cooked turkey can give you food poisoning. While roasting will kill the turkey’s Clostridium perfringens bacteria, food safety expert Mindy Brashears tells us, its spores will survive and “return to their vegetative state if warm turkey meat is left too long.” How long is too long Brashears doesn’t say, but she advises quick post-dinner refrigeration and “reheating leftover turkey to 165 degrees.” Also, while “licking from the bowl is half the fun of making cookies… the cookie dough on your finger could be brimming with bacteria.”
Got college kids coming home for Thanksgiving? “This year students may also arrive with some unwelcome little friends,” says BedBugCentral. “Colleges and universities all over the country are battling a virtual bed bug epidemic.” Have the students check their dorm bedding for “black fecal material” etc. before coming home, and after you “spoil” them with “plenty of home cooking…. add one more item to the shopping list before they return to college: a barrier system to keep bed bugs away from students and from infesting their mattresses.”
“Do you have a Thanksgiving nightmare story?” asks the Flint Journal. If so they want to hear it, and perhaps publish it so their readers can share in your misery. “Don’t be afraid,” says the Journal, “you are not alone.”
If you can’t wait, take in “Pink Remembers Drunken Thanksgiving Disaster,” a heartwarming story in which the singer and five relations “drink three bottles of Patron before 11am,” causing Pink to dump sweet potatoes on her father-in-law’s head, cut her hand open with a knife, and “set my bedroom on fire.” Animators, we believe we have our replacement for A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Enjoy your nauseating, bug-infested, drunken, nightmare holiday!