I’ve Been Outed!


Yes, folks, I’ve been totally found out! just uncovered the fact that I’m gay! They posted a sighting whereby I was spotted scouring the recesses of a porn store–the kind of place where there are, you know, men in there. Oh, no! I had worked so hard to conceal that part of me. For years, I’ve drummed up scads of fake girlriends and even made out with them in public to throw the media off the scent. I went to sports events–even some non skating ones–on a regular basis and loudly cheered for the butchest teams while delicately hiding my pink popcorn under my trenchcoat. Most calculatedly of all, I even thanked my high school gym teacher on winning a Homo Xtra magazine award!

Of course there were the occasional slipups. Posing naked as Lindsay Lohan earlier this year might have been a bit of a momentary indiscretion. And flapping my wrists around and being the biggest out swish queen in town for the last three decades may have tended to give me away a bit. Plus there were all the screaming columns I wrote about my sex life, openly describing my (safe) encounters at clubs and all kinds of places like this–joints where you can nab everything from a penis-shaped serving tray (got one) to a fumbling, transitory husbear (trying). In fact, I went into such graphic detail about it that most of my readers now know my body way better than their own.

But still, I tried so hard to pass for a hetero family man, and now the D-list stalkerazzi have blown my cover and beaten me at my own game. I never thought people would find out I’m “that way” and even practice at it!!! I must say, being the target of this kind of tawdry gossip is absolutely invasive and appalling. Have some decency, media! What next–Paris Hilton caught shopping for handbags?