News & Politics

Grammy Nominations Closely Track America’s Downfall

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We don’t know anything about music anymore, but we do know this much about the Grammy nominations:

  • Robert Plant won Album and Record of the Year nominations the way Obama won the Presidency — by getting volunteers to drive old people to the polls;
  • The Coldplay listener base must now be dominated by chunky, balding, goateed dads who wonder how, when their daughters grow up, they will explain to them the dangers of beer-bongs;
  • No matter how corrupt and labyrinthine the system is, that Kid Rock is up against James Taylor and Radiohead against the Eagles proves it has a strain of genius;
  • All 110 categories should be announced in a marathon broadcast that doubles as a telethon to raise money to buy America a new set of cultural standards.