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From the Crap Archives: The Eagle Christian


Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

The Eagle Christian

Author: Kenneth Price

Date: 1984

Publisher: Old Faithful Press, Montgomery, Alabama

Discovered at: Goodwill

The Cover Promises: Eagles and Christianity. More to the point, the first page promises “The most complete analogy available on the subject of the Golden Eagle and the life of a Christian.” I see no reason to doubt this claim.
Representative Quotes:

“The preening of the eagle should be a good lesson in holiness to the Eagle Christian.”
 (Page 38)

“Secondly, the molting, although not due to ‘food poisoning,’ feels the same way and may be compared to those times in our lives in which God wants to put on us a new coat of his presence.” (Page 47)

In this cute, confounding volume, Price lays out all of the ways in which the ideal follower of the Prince of Peace should resemble nature’s most ferocious avian predator. Here he explains his dedication to this task:

Some of his hard-earned insight:

● Eagles don’t eat “the carcasses of roadside tragedies” and “will have very little to do with decaying food of any sort.” This should remind the faithful that “a poor spiritual diet means poor spiritual health.”

● Eagles shove eaglets out of the nest to teach them to fly. To Price, who never misses a chance to mix several ill-considered metaphors at once, this means “We must throw off the cushion of our spiritual crib and learn how to walk.”
* Food procurement? The man’s job.

● Rat-eating leaves the frugal with more money for tithing.

OK, the one I made up isn’t much dumber than Price’s. The book’s not a total waste, though. The good news about Price’s Good News: baby eagle pictures!

The bad news: married life for Eagle Christians is unrelenting terror.

Shocking Detail: The great delight of Kenneth Price’s eagle/Christian treatise is not that he explores his goofy insight for 67 pages. No, it’s that before this paperback landed at my Goodwill, some gentle soul took the time to underline the most affecting passages.

Highlight: On his acknowledgments page, Price bemoans the inability of mere language to capture the full beauty of his ideas. Before I quote him, a warning: There isn’t a SIC big enough in this world to indicate how wrong this most heartfelt sentence goes.

He writes, “Words are a most powerful tool in the mouth of a skilled orator and a pen in the hands of a skilled writer, yet both forms of communication lack the ability to express my appreciation to friends and families.”

No, Kenneth, words don’t lack that ability. You do. Now, come over here to mama bird and let me puke the holy spirit into your mouth.

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