There aren’t nearly enough words around to convey all the amazing feelings I’ve got inside me, so I’m going to have to make some up. Wikipedia credits me for inventing ‘celebutard,’ and though I don’t think that’s the case, I’ll gladly take credit for it since I’m a total journadouche. But I AM hereby inventing a word for real, folks, and you can all feel free to use it and even say it was your idea. It’s ‘blandiose’–you know, a combination of bland and grandiose. I’m talking about anything that’s large-scale yet free of edge or urgency, Like Broadway’s White Christmas, which is splashy but as spicy as Velveeta cheese. Or the buffet at the Marriott Marquis. Or American Idol. Or my last boyfriend’s private parts.
No, wait. That’s GLAND-iose.