News & Politics

From the Crap Archives: License to Kill

by

Each week your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.


License to Kill

Author: David Perkins

Publisher: BkMk Press

Date: 1973

Discovered at: Thrift store

The Cover Promises: Poems about either mosaic tiling, James Bond, or both.

Representative Quotes: Page 9: “Here. There. You. Them. The space between you and this page.” Page 11: “I haven’t taken a bath in weeks.”

This chapbook of loose, chatty, beat-influenced, table-napkin poetry is a study in just how much white space an author can squeeze onto 24 pages and still claim to have produced something other than a sketch pad. It also trumpets, in its sad bleating way, the end of its own decadent age. Perkins’ verse is to the freewheeling, no-revision, the-impulse-itself-is-the-art thinking of the early 1970s what a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger is to the eat-yourself-diabetic days of the 2000s: the final sign that something desperately needs to be rethought.


Take the enigmatic “Mexico”:


Or try “Hammer,” which reads less like a poem than it does an unpunctuated transcript of a bad round of Password.


While “Hammer” suffers from a lack of Mexico in its jeans, it has been laid out to kinda/sorta upside-down resemble a hammer. This should appeal to anyone who prefers art that looks like what it’s of.


Highlight: The book is padded out with the ink doodles of Mark Roeyer:


More art that looks like what it’s of. Here, we see a magical hotdog doctor resting his lion’s paw on the shell of a slug. The slug, with a roll of its giant eyes, expresses discomfort. Perhaps it wonders why the hotdog wears a robe fashioned from an escalator. With its third eye, one crowned by a bristling brow, the slug gazes up at the tiny flame flickering from the hotdog’s extended index finger. That flame represents the creative spirit.


Also, the hotdog’s feet just kind of float there.


BONUS CRAP!


Enjoy Your Pigeons

Author: None listed

Publisher: The Pet Library, Ltd.

Date: None listed

Discovered at: Thrift store

Representative Quotes: Page 5: “Finally, the pigeon, with its multi-colored plumage and proud chest, has always delighted man.”


Like Aleister Crowley or that Fight Club guy, the anonymous author of Enjoy Your Pigeons is dedicated to challenging your deepest held assumptions.


Especially the ones related to pigeons.


First, here’s a fancy bird.


And here’s those unexamined beliefs of yours that Enjoy Your Pigeons assails:


● That you feed pigeons correctly, and that shouting in caps in ineffective communication. Page 18: “No matter how nutritious your meal of mixed grains is to him, THE NUTRIENTS WILL BE LOST IF YOUR PIGEON CANNOT DIGEST THE GRAIN BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN NO GRIT.”


● That questions have answers. Page 32: “Some people may ask why you fancy the pigeon as a pet. There will probably be no simple explanation … You do, and that should be enough to end any query.”


● That you detest hygiene.


Actual caption: “A pretty sight; however, the practice of feeding street pigeons from your mouth is not recommended.”


● That your poodle can’t fly, and that you already know your monkey.