New York

Starbucks Has Ruined Our Economy!


Fuck you, Starbucks! For years you hypnotized Americans with your overpriced lattes, transfixing hordes of people to line up and pay huge wads of money on hot, silty shit with some foam on top and a fucking cinnamon stick in the middle. Their homes were being foreclosed, but these poor, thirsty creatures still found the cash to go three times a day to your freaking establishments and buy four-dollar caramel macchiatos and white chocolate mochas, getting fat off the calorie content while not realizing they were on the verge of total starvation. Delis that served perfectly delicious dollar coffee were being shuttered left and right while you prospered, decimating the life savings of any vulnerable citizen with a taste for Joe and a predilection towards victimhood.

And now they’re all broke! And now YOU are too because suddenly people are falling in love with their Mr. Coffees at home out of necessity rather than crawl back to the bankrupting liquids that YOU serve in such insidious helpings. Of course soon they won’t have a home and there are no electrical sockets out on the street, so people will be forced to barter their coffee makers for pocket change in dark alleys–and it’s all your fault, douchebags! I studied economics and I know it’s your goddamned java jive that has turned this whole country upside down and landed it head-first into a giant financial toilet bowl! Do a fucking vento-sized caramel macchiato enema, why don’t you.

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