Things To Rule Out in ’09


As 2009 launches into full gear, it’s imperative that we all hold hands, sing “Kumbayah,” and say a prayer that the following things from last year won’t pop up again and taint it.

*Republicans blabbing on about soccer moms, Joe Six Packs, and Joe the Plumbers. I don’t fit into this very limited, hairy, straight view of America. In fact, when this becomes the sole portrait put out about our country, I feel very back-of-the-bus, whereas I happen to know that people like me are DRIVING the bus.

*Celebrity deaths. They’re dropping at an alarming rate. I need everyone famous to stay with us and keep making good copy or I can’t do my job. I know there are always new ones to fill their place, but I like the old ones better. Stay breathing, people. Drink Jamba Juice.

*Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing With The Stars. It looked so phony I felt weak!

*Big, prurient hoopla made over celeb nudity (Daniel Radcliffe, Miley Cyrus, etc.). Never seen a genital before?

*Broadway musicals based on movies. It’s such a cliche already, especially when they then make a movie based on the musical. This can only end in cultural ruin.

*Actors being felled by mercury poisoning. It’s become an epidemic–performers eating one too many California rolls and having to instantly return to Hollywood. Lay off the tuna, folks!

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on January 5, 2009

Archive Highlights