British papers have announced that songbird Mariah Carey is in talks to present her life story as a Broadway musical, and though Mariah herself says this is the first she’s heard of it, let’s pretend it’s true and try to imagine some of the production numbers that should pepper this swinging tale of fame and misfortune.
“Love Takes Time”–as the young Mariah tries to pleasure various older music-biz gentleman with flaccid body parts, hoping for her first big break.
“Vision of Love”–performed when she finally meets Tommy Mottola and hallucinates a psychedelic montage of Billboard charts with her screeching records atop them.
“Hero”–sung longingly to herself as she dazzlingly achieves her goal against all odds. By the way, no dogs will be allowed near the theater, as the high notes would surely pierce their skulls.
“Breakdown”–sung while furiously throwing dishes as Mariah reads the reviews and box office grosses of her labor of love, Glitter.
“Butterfly”–belted as she rises from the ashes, with a whole new sense of self and all new implants.
Wait, maybe this isn’t such a good idea?