Many months ago, our friend Nate “Igor” Smith photographed the Real World Brooklyn cast. We used his candids to make guesses about these fine youth-culture representatives–and as happens with complete speculation, the details were a little off. So we asked Sharon Steel to watch the first episode last night to set the record straight. We couldn’t have made this stuff up ourselves.
Religion: Not a Mormon, but grew up surrounded by them.
Politics: Doesn’t have a conservative bone in her body.
Relationship Status: “Pimpin’ is my thing.”
Auditioned: Because she was moving to NYC anyway, to become a hip-hop dancer. Association with MTV puts her that much closer to touring as one of Justin Timberlake’s future fake-blowjob-giving backup dancers. Score.
Scary awful secret: Suffers from severe panic attacks.
First impression: We feel a Jesse Spano meltdown coming on!
Relationship Status: Newly single and ready to mingle, ya’ll.
Auditioned: Because “I wanted to make Chet a household name.”
Scary awful secret: His family is worried he’ll be portrayed as a “Mormon gone bad.”
First impression: Looks like he escaped from a Heatherette fashion show, or desperately wants to have an androgynous bang-fest with Agyness Deyn (if he had premarital sex, or drank, which he doesn’t, hahah).
Politics: Yay America!
Relationship Status: Currently in his first-ever relationship! Aww. It’s ending, you know that, right, Ryan?
Auditioned: Because after serving as an infantryman in Iraq for a year, he’s making up for lost time. And beers. And girls. And beers.
Scary awful secret: The relationship thing? Kinda over, even before he gets into the house: “I think we’ll stay together. As long as I don’t fuck it up.”
First impression: Is about to jam-pack four years of COLLEGE! into four months in Red Hook. Good luck, kid.
Politics: Down with Prop 8, we gather.
Relationship Status: Single.
Auditioned: Because he watched previous seasons where the cast members “left as a family,” and wanted that, too. Oh, our heart breaks for this one. Doesn’t he know MTV carefully engineered those moments to keep this crazy train on track?!
Scary awful secret: His abusive father was unsupportive of his homosexuality.
First impression: The go-to BFF/caretaker for everyone in the house. The dude trains dolphins, for fuck’s sake.
Relationship Status: “It is easier to get into Heaven than into Devyn.” OMG please no.
Auditioned: Because she wants to be there to make fun of people during those moments when they’re going batshit insane with neck veins popping out and peeing on each other and weeping, and we, on the other side of the idiot box, are going “Ho-hum, that is voraciously stupid, why are we watching this? Oh, because our souls are dead, carry on, then!” It’s like she’s there, criticizing for us! Working for the audience before we even know she’s in our heads. Super meta, MTV.
Scary awful secret: Was a pageant princess.
First impression: She should have lied about her age and auditioned for My Super Sweet 16 instead.
Relationship Status: In a relationship with some dude she thinks she’ll marry.
Auditioned: Because she wants to represent the transgendered community.
Scary awful secret: Plays Dungeons & Dragons, Final Fantasy, and Magic: The Gathering.
First impression: Please put away the pink hair dye, Ms. Girl Next Door. Katie Holmes never rocked that shit on Dawson’s, and neither should you.
Relationship Status: Is with her first-ever boyfriend (her mom set them up!); previously only dated girls.
Auditioned: Because “the line was short.”
Scary awful secret: Got drunk in a tattoo shop once.
First impression: Just might develop serious lusty feelings for Katelynn.
Relationship Status: “I open the door for you because I’m a gentleman. Get your head out of your ass.” Whattaguy!
Auditioned: Because he “tried the modeling and acting thing before” and wanted to “give it another shot.” Translation: he didn’t get enough jobs. Thinks this will change that. (It will, if he wants to be on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: XXIVIX.)
Scary awful secret: Will be the first person in line at the bookstore to buy Dan Clark’s (a/k/a Nitro from American Gladiator) memoir, Gladiator: A True Story of ‘Roids, Rage and Redemption.
First impression: His Salem, MA accent makes us queasy with the remembrance of Danny from The Real World: Austin. —Sharon Steel