Who packed on the most pounds last year? (Don’t look at me. If I look a little chunky on TV lately, it’s because the camera adds 35 pounds. And not where it counts.) Fortunately, Zone Delivery USA, a premier meal delivery service provider, just announced who they think the top five were, and I say yay to this quintet of porkers! They’re going against the grain of show biz oppression and having fun at the same time!
1. Joaquin Phoenix. He’s given up on acting, but not on Ring Dings.
2. Mariah Carey. Twice the size of Nick Cannon.
3. Oprah Winfrey. She needs to lose 180 pounds–i.e., Stedman!
4. Matthew Perry. He’s now the entire cast of Friends.
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt. On her way to becoming a party of five?
Bravo, fatties. I’m so tired of looking at rich people who look like they’re starving! You’re my new heroes!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on January 13, 2009