New York

What Can We Live Without In A Depression?

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We’re all grimly paring down our spending budgets in the wake of the great new depression. But some things are way easier to live without than others. While I refuse to stop buying my weekly apples at the Farmer’s Market–they’re only a dollar for a bag of 10, for chrissake–other stuff can surely be crossed off my shopping list without a second’s remorse.

Let’s all agree to say goodbye to:

*Cab rides. I’m too old to try that old “Can I blow you in lieu of a tip?” routine. Besides, walking 14 miles a day is great exercise.

*Coat check. I may look a little silly walking around nightclubs with a winter’s coat, gloves, and a scarf, but people buy it because I’ve long promoted myself as an icon of ridiculousness.

*Chipping in for restaurant dinners. When the bill comes, just lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour–and while you’re in there, load up on toilet paper and liquid soap! You can also bond more intimately with all your other friends who are locked in there.

*Friends’ birthday gifts Simply tell them, “I sent a check to some refugee rights organization in your name. I knew that’s what someone of your integirty would want in this time of crisis.”

*Hamburgers. Have you ever noticed that Hamburger Helper tastes pretty fine all by itself?

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