As we face a new year and a clean slate, how do we rank the types of gays that make up the rainbow palette in our wondrous nation? Your choices are as follows:
*Bears. You know, guys who don’t shave or work out, but get way more action than those that do.
*Twinks. Cuties with high cheekbones, wiry bodies, and high-pitched voices. They love Britney and aren’t ashamed to admit it in public.
*Muscle queens. A diminishing breed, they generally are so busy in the gym steamroom they forget to even work out.
*Leather queens. There are only three of these guys left, but that makes them even more tenaciously sadistic.
*Preppies. Argyle is their favorite color.
My personal favorites are the twinks–they’re just so fucking adorable–and everyone else can just go to gay hell. You?
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on January 20, 2009