The Worrying Diet Plan


I have a diet plan that works way better than the point system, throwing up, or even completely starving. It’s worrying and fidgeting! My primary care doctor just told me in all seriousness that fidgeting can help you burn 800 calories a day! He also told me I’d lost five pounds since my last visit, so I can only imagine it’s because I gave up the anti-depressants and have been worrying up a tsunami!

I worry about the economy, my footwear, my mother, and whether the fact that gays can get married in certain places will lead to people asking me, “And NOW why are you single?” I worry about the weather and the passage of time and the sense that The Mary Tyler Moore Show show might never come back to TV Land. I worry about the fact that The Cosby Show night never get off TV Land. And the whole time I’m thinking, “This feels great! The pounds are flying off!”

I’ve even lost a few extra ounces from biting my nails. That keratin is heavy shit! So worry away, people. You’ll look fabulous. I only worry that once you start looking so svelte and gorgeous, you’ll stop worrying and will gain the weight back!

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on January 23, 2009

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