Things That Embarrass Me


Yes, there ARE some things that make me a little uncomfortable, believe it or not. The most prominent ones are:

*911 calls played on TV crime shows or newscasts. I get all antsy from the terror in the people’s voices, so I instantly mute the TV. I could never be an emergency operator.

*Kissing scenes in movies. I invariably fidget and look away from the screen. I’d rather watch a porno, where at least they know how to pretend they’re into it.

*Guests on talk shows. I can’t bear to watch celebrities be so phony-perky and full of rehearsed anecdotes and courtesy laughs, especially since I know what they’re really like.

*People saying something in conversation about “eye contact.” That makes me self-consciously feel I have to fix them with my steely gaze for the rest of our dialogue.

*Two people reaching for their cocktail glass at the same time. Far from synchronicitous, this type of awkward coincidence makes me quiver with discomfort.

*Midnight on New Year’s Eve. I detest cheap sentiment, so I generally lock myself in the bathroom at about 11:55.

And you? What makes YOUR lovely skin crawl?

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on January 26, 2009

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