It was our expectation, not to say our hope, that when we lost our job we could grab an apron and serve coffee at Starbucks. But now even those jobs are more competitive: in the wake of a 69 percent earnings drop, Starbucks announced it would close stores and lay off 6,700 employees. This will result in a Starbucks that is “leaner and prepared to endure a worsening economic climate,” says its CEO, but it will also turn many nervous workers’ worst-case strategy into an unattainable dream. The new plan is a life of crime. We can’t do any worse than this guy.