News & Politics

Breaking: Six More Weeks of Winter


Religious leader/groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning which, depending on your belief system, either predicted or caused another six weeks of winter. Fox News leads with the news, then a few grafs down says “The Groundhog Day forecast for the Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, area suggests Phil will have trouble seeing his shadow,” because no one wants to spend much time on this stupid story.

Update: For those of you who cannot trust Fox News, USA Today confirms the shadow sighting.

Update 2: A breakaway groundhog sect has emerged in North Ft. Myers, Florida. Adherents favor a return to the original Buddhist interpretation of the groundhog myth, particularly as regards the rejection of striving, because it’s already 59 degrees in North Ft. Myers so who cares whether it’s still winter or not?

Update 3: Mayor Bloomberg says he has a groundhog called Charles G. Hogg who did not see his shadow, so spring is on the way. Naturally we take this to mean it will stay winter in New York until August of 2012.

Update 4: Apparently Charles G. Hogg, a native of rough-and-tumble Staten Island, bit the Mayor at his unveiling. Seasonal priest-rodent angry! Spring may never come.

Archive Highlights