New York

Do You Really Want To Wipe Your Ass With Aloe Vera?


I was just skedaddling around KMart–well, Lincoln Center was too far away–when I spotted shelves filled with rolls and rolls of Cottonelle toilet paper enhanced with aloe vera and Vitamin E! Is this really necessary? Does your butt really need to be that pampered while you’re wiping away the detritus of your Mexican meal? Does anyone’s rear actually think, “Gosh, I don’t feel mere toilet paper is good enough for MY poopy self! I crave some extra soft tissues with aloe vera to heal all potential scraping, and how about some Vitamin E to reduce wrinkles in the long run?” Does your rear think at all? (Not LAST night it didn’t.)

In a depression, when most people are basically eating cat food out of a can, isn’t it a bit excessive to caress your anus with all kinds of fancy toilet paper enriched with extra soothing ingredients–things you wouldn’t even spring for in a facial tissue? I’m not saying you should just wipe with the dailies–no one buys them anymore, even for that–but isn’t a roll of plain old Cottonelle sufficient for this particular process? Can we please restore some sanity to the toilet paper industry before this leads us to total madness and our butts start pulling the cart?

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