Every week, Sharon Steel watches the Real World Brooklyn so nobody else has to. Last week, Chet acted like a boob instead of touching one. This week, everybody’s favorite MTV Morminator interviews Pete Wentz.
Pete Wentz and Orville Redenbacher
A disturbing, self-motivational movement has swept up The Real World: Brooklyn roommates and made them want to, like, do stuff other than drink their faces off and fuck each other. Episode Five revolved around three boys, their silly pranks, heavy emotional burdens, and an Epic Fail dream or two. Scott, a/k/a Zach Morris, would like his roommates to stop behaving as if they’re in a close-knit high school clique, and instead compliment his abs more regularly. Idiot King the Bard put his music on hold out of respect for a very sad anniversary. And Chetubular the Morminator takes the lead as our terribly precocious ingénue, truly putting Carrie Bradshaw to shame this week. Watch out, Whitney Port, you cow-eyed vixen, you! Oh, sugar, we’re so going down. I’ll explain this and much more in our weekly recap, so throw on some classic Fall Out Boy and click on this shit.
Chet as Perez Hilton in Jersey
Chetubular is, essentially, obsessed with the idea of interviewing celebrities and hosting TRL, his next-favorite thing after guyliner and man-cleave T-shirts. Except he finally gets it into his salty skull that TRL HAS BEEN CANCELED and he therefore cannot steal Carson Daly’s old job, until Carson Daly becomes the new host of an atrocious after-school program that aims to be a daily microcosm of Spring Break. Instead, Chetasstic focuses on “hosting” duties for Pete Wentz’s Friendsorenemies.com, or as he likes to refer to it, “FOE,” cause he’s totes IN now. He goes to New Jersey to interview Hey Monday and pretends he’s a slightly tamer, less lecherous version of Perez Hilton. The interview goes swimmingly.
The Idiot King, shirtless. We’ll get to him soon enough.
But this is merely a precursor to what will eventually prove to be the best and biggest night of one young man’s life, who gave it all up to live in an amazing house in the city, zomg. Yo, Pete Wentz will be at that blogger bar he owns, Angels & Kings, on Tuesday, says the Crush Management schmuck. Can you be there to interview him, like Oprah, but not? Chetubular is so excited that he does a ton of research and learns everything there is to know about Wentzy, important stuff like the sort of cupcakes he and Ashlee served at their gothy Alice in Wonderland -themed wedding. (Just kidding, that’s just what I’m interested in.) Anyway, he does some Internets learning which I am grudgingly impressed by, and then, he puts on his Tucker Carlson costume, I mean his mod Orville Redenbacher hipster outfit, comprised of a ginormous red bow-tie, a faux-hawk, and those infernal coke-bottle glasses, which sparkle with the hellfire of my loathing. He thought he looked more Buddy Holly than anyone else. Pete Wentz agreed! Oh yes, they bonded! After bungling his introduction, Chet sort of didn’t make a douche of himself. That is, until the interview was over and he knelt before Wentzy and kowtowed and kissed his feet and gave him a prayer book filled with sonnet-hymns he had written using Fall Out Boy lyrics, Wentzy blog posts, and US Weekly articles. (No, but you know he wanted to. Was it just me, or did he sort of stare longingly into Wentzy’s eyes with more passion than the model girl from last week? Foreshadowing?) “Pete and I really have a connection, like we’re old-time friends,” swooned Chetty. Um. Anyway, Wentzy gave him his e-mail address and said, “Sure dude, I’m a guy and I’m famous and famous guys sometimes help out other guys, cool, whatevs.” Then Orvillian the Terrible went home and told the roommates about his fame-whoring abilities, and they all congratulated him on his good fortune.
Scott Zach Morris, trying to model
In the meantime, Scott Zach Morris’s extra-special lady-friend from home broke up with him. Now that he’s free of that uptight Kelly Kapowski, he felt all wild and delighted and rebound-y, and hit on a couple of models at a Fashion Week presentation for The Love Brigade. Devyn, who, if you recall, declared herself “totally over Zach” not long ago, becomes consumed with desire and jealousy. Of course, this makes Zach Morris pick up his Zach Morris phone and call up his new model lady-friends, and get them to come hang out. These non-dates, which infuriate Devyn’s cleavage, consisted of Zach showing the ladies his half-naked model photos in his leather portfolio, followed by his half-naked model photos in his digital portfolio, and ending the night with some snuggling in a chair outside. Chetubular takes a break from thinking about himself to type up a snarky Guide to Scott Dating, and while the roommates chuckled, Zach grew more and more thundercloudy until he smashed one of the lockers in the hallway and screamed MR. BELDING, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! And then the roommates cried and went to class and talked about their feelings while Zach resolved not to let the “comments” get to him. Devyn, now would be a good time to start ignoring Zach so that he asks you to Prom when he realizes you’re too good for him, anyway!
Ryan, tying someone’s shoes together
Ryan, our Idiot King, had some tough times this week. As you may recall from the condoms in the fish tank debacle, he enjoys playing pranks on the roomies, like re-lacing their shoes backwards and then giggling in a corner when they can’t put on their sneakers. J.D., who is into retaliation, decided to spray shaving cream in the room where Chetubular and Idiot King were sleeping, which made our King very angry. He shouted a lot and the roommates began to wonder, “Maybe he was woken up in the middle of the night in Iraq, and that’s why he has such an unpredictable temper?” Maybe, or maybe it’s just fucking dumb to spray shaving cream all over someone’s bed.
But the shaving cream incident was just a way to lead into Ryan’s experiences in the army, which he begins to discuss in greater depth with the roommates. A friend calls to report the news that one of their mutual friends has shot himself, right before 9/11, probably because of untreated PTSD. Either the aftermath of this was edited out or Ryan actually chose not to talk about this at all. On 9/11, however, he heads to Ground Zero with another vet friend and it’s sort of quiet and Ryan talks about his patriotism a bunch. This would have been a good opportunity for the roommates to ask Ryan some questions about how he felt about the war he was fighting, but maybe they did and the MTV Overlords deemed it too depressing. Baya stares at him wide-eyed throughout this episode because she thinks she can save him from all bad things. But, you know what? We’ve been through five episodes of Brooklyn and none of the roommates have so much brushed their lips against another’s, let alone gotten their slam on. The Red Hook Castle is basically a nunnery/monestary where the roommates eschew sinful pleasures in order to pursue their Raging Creative Class Goals. It’s as earnest as a Jimmy Eat World concert circa Clarity, and we shall see how long this lasts.–Sharon Steel
Ryan, paying tribute to his army days