Kissing is a delightful pastime that brings two or more people together into an act of lip-smacking joy–unless it’s badly done, of course. And then it’s the kiss of death! Here (from experience) are the absolute worst kinds of smooches from hell:
*The meat grinder. You know, where they swirl their tongue around inside your mouth in a rotary motion as if carving up cold cuts. It’s about as erotic as putting your mouth on a car engine.
*The darting tongue. They stick it in and out with a weird, robotic regularity that makes you wonder if they’re some kind of runaway sea serpent. You feel like you’re sucking on a cuckoo clock.
*The toothy traumatizer. You feel nothing but enamel banging into your mouth without rhyme or reason. It’s like being repeatedly hit with kitchenware. By the end of it, you need all new caps.
*The no-breather. They put their entire mouth on yours and won’t let you catch a breath, even for a second. If you try to do so, they clamp down even harder, like a crazed suckerfish. This is a guaranteed way to die unhappy.
Your own ideas?