The Worst Kinds of Lovers on Earth


I’ve had them all, honey, and I’ve even BEEN them all, so I oughta know. Here are the lowest types of rock-bottom Casanovas and why they suck when they suck:

*The kind that just lay there. Please! If I wanted to have sex alone, I easily could have!

*The ones that have a fetish–say, drinking pee out of your left earlobe–and make you go along with it, to the exclusion of any other activity. You feel like you should have an AFTRA card by the end of it.

*The type that has clearly never heard of foreplay. Wham, band, fuck-you ma’am. You wonder if they even bother to boil a lobster before setting it on the table.

*The ones that need constant validation, as if they’re peforming in some kind of kennel show. They’ll jerk your business around in such a graceless manner that it almost gets pulled off, and then they’ll whimper, “Good, huh?”

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