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Real World Episode 7: Devyn’s a “Sugarbutt” and Mice Invade the Red Hook Castle

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Every week, Sharon Steel watches the Real World Brooklyn so nobody else has to. Last week, transgender housemate Katelynn repeatedly attacked stripper’s poles. This week, boyfriends, girlfriends, and mice come to visit!

Did the cast of The Real World: Brooklyn apply for Public Library cards when they moved in? They should have. Because as we all know, King’s County is where literary superstars are made, not born. And as we turn the corner of Episode 7, several hard-won alliances are beginning to solidify, separating the literary strongmen from the hack jobs. Not to mention their guests, who are now vacationing at the Red Hook Castle as if it were a regular ol’ B&B. This week, Devyn and Idiot King Ryan entertained beaus and Belles! Also this week, Chetubular the Morminator revealed a magical power greater than the ability to summon holograms of abstinence-preaching Fox News pundits out of his satanic coke bottle glasses. Chet isn’t destined to be the next Carson Daly, or Ryan Seacrest, or Pete Wentz–or any of the men he loves idolizes. He’s Dr. Phil Chetollins, and he just got a $5 million advance for a two-book deal, which totally made aspiring author Idiot King ever so jealous! Lean in close, and let the Morminator whisper sweet nothings of wisdom, along with the secrets of love, life, and the universe, into your willing ears!

“Of Mice and Devyn’s Men” is what our MTV Overlords have dubbed this episode, and we must wonder what in God’s name John Fucking Steinbeck would do if he ever found himself in a house like this. Instead of a story about two displaced migrant workers in California during the Depression, we’ve got a Castle full of eight Brooklyn transplants trying to Make Art during the Greatest Depression. What a stunning modern literary adaptation! (Steinbeck would have gotten very, very drunk at Sunny’s Tavern and cursed them all, I think.) The mice plotline remains pure, however. Yes, you see, there is an unfortunate infestation in the Castle–at least it’s not bedbugs!–and the girls went a little bit nuts, freaking their shit on countertops and squealing about the gross little vermin-things. Oh, actually, that was just J.D., but Sarah and Devyn found them pretty vile as well.

Because J. Dingus, Esq. is still pissed off that he lost the Ultimate Boyz vs. Girls Double Dare challenge and had to crawl through the slime pit without winning a trip to Disney World, he decides that he needs to prank Devyn, for being a college dropout, and Sarah, for having tattoos. So outside of Angels & Kings, he consults with Chetubular and Scott Zach Morris, and the boys decide it would be utterly hilarious–since the whole condom in the fish tank and backwards shoelace tying went so well–to buy a rat from a pet store and sneak it in a couple of the girls’ beds. I should add that I was a bit confused by the editing of this scene, since Chetubular is wearing his Orville Redenbacher costume. Which either means it’s still the night he interviewed his soul mate, Pete Wentz, or he actually wore that shit again. Vomitar.

J. Dingus purchases a nice, clean, white rat from the pet store, and Chetubular notes, because he is a British lord, all of a sudden: “We’re just pleased as punch to know that we actually have the rat!” So Chetubular plants it in Devyn’s bed while she sleeps, because Dingus would make a laughing noise if he did it. She wakes up, and there are rat feces, and a big kerfuffle, and the boys try hard not to giggle. Of course, Dingus, living up to his nickname, forgets that he’s terrified of rats and suddenly mans up to help Dev extricate it from her room. She will remember this later, because she always does.

Over the course of Devyn’s Regency-era lover-saga, Dr. Phil Chetollins (this is Chetubular the Morminators nom de plume, naturally) has taken it upon himself to share his vast library of relationship experience. Here is an exclusive excerpt of his best observations, soon to be published in a forthcoming tome entitled: “Pride and Prejudice and Cheticular Warts,” not to be confused with that other bastardization of Jane Austen’s cannon.

Poor David. He thinks he’s got the belle of the ball. Little does he know, her eyes are laying on other men! It’s sad to see that.

When feelings are compromised–sentimental and emotional feelings of love–there is no justification.

Everyone is touched by this in some emotional way.

That last one was about the rat prank, actually, but it seemed to fit.

Right, then the boys have an unofficial rat-planning meeting/slumber party on Idiot King’s bed, and discuss whether, under the binding jurisdiction of “Guy Code,” they ought to go blab to David that Devyn is playing phone hockey with someone behind his back. It doesn’t happen, but what does happen is a close-up of Scott Zach Morris’ legs, which have no hair on them. You’re no Mr. Darcy, Morris, and you never will be.

Eventually, the white rat gets planted in Sarah’s bed, and she, too, finds the feces and runs screaming from the room. The girls then proceed to launch an investigative New York Times series that wows Bill Keller so much, he goes and hires all of them to blog for the City Room! (Just kidding.) Katelynn, who fancies herself a Sherlock Holmes and the rest of the ladies her Watsons (so progressive!), chillingly intone: “We need evidence.” They do some Googling and learn that white rats are not indigenous to Brooklyn (don’t trust everything you read on Wiki!), some cold-calling (did Devyn’s Mom give them permission to use her on deep background?), and eventually decide to hit the pavement, because kids, we’re gonna crack this bitch and knock Helene Cooper off her perch! Unforch, they don’t really find anything until after J.D. returns the rat, who he refers to as his “best friend in the house,” to the pet store. After yet another round of reconnaissance (shoe-leather reporting!), they pounce on some hidden rat-food and put all the puzzle pieces together. SOMEONE’S GOT A SCOOP! And then nothing happens. Sometimes, you need to wait for just the right PR moment to publish your story.

In the middle of all of this, Idiot King’s lovely Lady-in-Waiting, Belle, comes to visit. I have nothing to say about this because this girl is totally in love with Ryan and it’s pretty damn adorbs, no matter how asinine he is, most of the time. Interesting note: the cameras are very respectful of the vistors’ privacy! There are no gratuitous, “It’s now time for us to have hanky-panky visitor sex” shots of so-and-so going into their bedrooms. Which. Well. I guess this is a sign of MTV’s evolution? But, admittedly, I feel short-changed.

Devyn eventually breaks up with David over e-mail, and again on the phone, but he still says “I love you,” which made me sniffle, since I was already feeling sad from watching A Walk to Remember right before The Real World came on. Luckily, Mandy Moore, who tragically died of leukemia but found a miracle in her love for Landon Carter, stormed the Castle and began to sing ’80s torch songs with Dr. Phil Chetollins, while Devyn looked on, jealously, wondering if the new duo would one day be bigger than that Internet band Animal Collective. The answer, of course, is always yes.–Sharon Steel

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